Ranting, Raving and Renewing

It's been a month since my major surgery and coming out of it we were all expecting, yet prayerfully hoping that there would be no major Fibro flare-ups or complications. Besides the really bad 6 days in the hospital, having a blood transfusion, heart rate over 145 the entire time and a high fever nightly along with some pain I've NEVER felt before..and I thought I'd felt it ALL with Fibro, knee surgeries, daily back pain forever it seemed,etc etc etc...LOL...I came home and for the first 3 weeks did better than any "healthy" person according to doctors, nurses, physical therapists, etc. SO....do I feel blessed and KNOW that the many many prayers offered up are what got me here? I DO!! I praise Him for every moment. The past few days, I have had and am having really bad pain at my incision site, graft site (normal progression of the surgery....knew it was going to be months of recovery) and feeling like I am LONG overdue for a Fibro treatment in Atlanta. I was going monthly and after detoxing and getting through that, I was much more active (except for my daily back pain interfering although I pushed through) than I'd been in months. I was scheduled in September for a treatment but b/c they are so expensive and all out of pocket, I figured, and the doctors agreed, that ONE right before my surgery may not be AS beneficial as we'd like...plus we just didn't have the money. Our cost per trip is about $1,000. Already tapped out at over $13,000 now out of pocket for treatments, visits, gas money and my vitamin/supplement regimen monthly. Seems like I'm being taken for a ride? not so.....God has used this place to get me on the path towards healing. If you've followed my blog, you know i was bedridden for 6 months prior to finding out about this place. After the 17-20 yrs of built up toxins and pain, it was bound and is still bound to take several more months to get my blood levels where they need to be. I had to cancel for October b/c I can't ride 8 hrs (even 20 minutes now) without being miserable and it's not the best thing for the bone fusion to take place...so we are scheduled for November 24th. I'll tell you where our heart, hope and prayers are.....we are praying first of all, for God to provide as He has thus far, for me to continue with the treatments and for my body to become healthy in every way. I am ready for that "NO PAIN day." Don't know how it'll feel but i may do a cartwheel when i feel it. :) Through the 13 yrs of desiring a baby whole-heartedly, we along with my doctor believe that once my body is healthy, it is still possible. However, God has had to bring me to the place of contentment knowing HIS ways are higher, His plans are better and He WILL NOT leave me longing for something He knows is NOT a part of His mighty plan for me. So, here we are now, seeing good things happening in the lives of so many of our "kids" in the youth group and are looking forward to my improved health. I am in the process of writing a devotional guide for chronic illness sufferers of both mental and physical ailments. Having had four misunderstood, In-validated illnesses and having sought devotional guides myself over the years, I KNOW that what's out there unfortunately left me feeling guilty, as if my faith were stronger, I would be healed, or that it was some kind of punishment towards me. Many people over the course of mine and Jeff's lives together have even said these untrue and hurtful things to us concerning my health. God NEVER ever said, although some evangelists today would LOVE to make you think otherwise, that life would be easy, or we should ALWAYS be happy. Happiness and joy in our soul are two different things. Look at what God allowed Satan to do to Job. HE HAD FAITH..strong faith which ultimately is why God KNEW he would be okay and allowed the permission He did to Satan. SO, my question is "where as a "Christian community" have we gone wrong in believing that life was meant to be skipped down a yellow brick road, laughing all the way and never having a right to feel pain, hurt, fear, etc?" Some Christians have and still do deceive non-believers and once they surrender their life to Him, and hit a bump in the road....they question God and His Sovereignty. It's very sad to me. Even through some painful moments emotionally, physically, mentally, etc., simply struggling as a human being, at the end of the day, I want to (and do) lay my head down on the pillow, always knowing WHOSE I am and that He is still on His throne....unchanging, unlike my circumstances. I don't know how God is going to show up in our lives over the next few weeks as we prepare and keep my appointment in Atlanta, BUT I KNOW HE WILL. Why? because He has never led me anywhere that He wasn't willing and able to sustain me and fulfill His purpose in my life. We are praying this devotional guide will come to fruition only in hopes to offer HOPE to the disheartened during their daily struggle. I want people to know what is TRUE, biblical and real...God's mercies are new every morning. He understand our heartaches and pain, but doesn't want us to stay there so He offers Himself ALONE to be all we need. But, sometimes the human mind especially during a mental illness isn't capable of comprehending even that....but God is more powerful and bigger than we let Him be. He can break through any walls we have in our lives. Our ultimate desire should simply be to seek Him so intensely that we only long to be more like His Son and the progression takes place because of HIM, nothing we do. Hoping this blog finds you all healthy, well and joyful.....whatever your circumstance may be right now, we serve a POWERFUL God who can and will give you all you need. Trusting, Kim