Ranting, Raving and Renewing

Over the past several years, I have tried EVERY therapy there is, SERIOUSLY, even ones that seem strange but I want to be better! Over 17 yrs I've gained 150 lbs. from the multiple illnesses. This is a huge source of embarrassment and depression for me at times. However, I know it was all out of my control and when it IS in my control...I can lose some. My heart is the same, even bigger now (not being funny there...haha..it IS bigger in the sense of my compassion and love for others which I never thought possible) In Columbia there are two pain management Dr's and I have seen both. I was in physical therapy forever to find out (after I tried to tell my therapist there was something horrific going on with my back BESIDES the Fibro which he didn't believe and after going to TWO different Orthopedic dr's,multiple shots,tests,therapy again and finally an extremely painful but detailed test) that I had a BLOWN disc and degenerative disc disease that required immediate surgery. I had a replacement using a donor bone and my pelvic bone they had to cut out (October 2009) I also fell in New York on a huge patch of water with no signs indicating a problem. It was right by the freezers that were leaking at a Kmart. We were on a youth trip with chartered buses full of kids ready to minister and had to fly home immediately with a knee cap that had completely busted in half and come apart from doing a split on cement. Thankfully not landing on my head instead. I am awaiting a two part cartilage transplant because my knee is still in bad shape and eventually one or two knee replacements. They only last 10-15 yrs so of course, thankfully we are doing all we can to hold out. I've had 2 miscarriages and many said during the time, "maybe it's best bc you've been so sick". People, I'm grieving!! For real??? Yes, if I lost a baby, God knows why but people's efforts to help just brought me further down. Going back, the year Jeff and I married I was diagnosed with severe depression, very hereditary In my family and definitely chemical not circumstancial (and there IS a difference no matter what people believe) and later diagnosed correctly with bi-polar. I went through lonely periods of DEEP suicidal depression as well as times of working 3 jobs at a time and never sleeping. Both, the nature of the illness. People didn't understand this....Many friends felt the same..church felt the same..it was something people didn't talk about to Christians. People except KIM. Did it Hurt ME to be real at that time? Maybe? Others' perspectives of me changed and I became a mystery and source of gossip I heard "Kim doesn't need those meds, now she's just screwed up" or "Why is Kim not here at church ALL of the time with Jeff? She just needs to get out and go anyway." Even, maybe with good intentions, I still don't know, a friend at the time would literally take me everywhere while telling me THIS would make it ALL better...the fibro and bi-polar IF they were even real. Jeff and I knew my depression was real and so was ALL the rest. Eventually I had to quit all of my jobs, work on my health and we went through so many states and hospitals but to no avail except meds and weight gain. Ten yrs ago we were called back home,served until recently, in Jeffs home church. This is also the church we were married in and one my family attended when I was young. Jeff and I were on the preschool hall together and my dad taught his moms Sunday school class but God wasn't ready for Jeff and I to even meet! Later, (side note.. you'll get that a LOT with me as you notice!) when Jeff and I were growing up, my dad and his mom worked together and my dad even led a bible study at work that his mom attended. Jeff and I never met until college and way before we began dating (bc we were just friends and he'd had the same girlfriend for 4 yrs. We never even thought of each other "that way" ) he'd hitch rides home with me from school because he was too cheap to buy gas. lol One day his mom made the connection with my last name and we realized who each other were. We'd heard our parents mention each other. In fact, Jeff says his mom would tell him things my dad said in SS and bible study...think about that for a second, MY dad, who'd prayed since before I was born for the man I'd marry one day, played a role in Jeff's spiritual life. Tell me God isn't awesome!!! My dad even knew I was going to marry Jeff before we dated. One weekend when he saw us in New Vision singing at none other than the church we just had to leave, my dad looked at my mom as we were singing, pointed to Jeff and (while he had a girlfriend and mom had never heard me even mention liking jeff more than a friend) said "THAT'S the man Kim's going to marry". What???? lol...of course later later as I called mom to tell her I was going on a first date with Jeff Stilwell (after he'd broken up with his girlfriend of course! For a while in Columbia,I was known as a home-wrecker and that's NOT me) mom TOLD me what dad said. Thanks mom, no pressure!! Lol. By that time though, our friendship had grown and we in some way already knew, but Still! Haha so, that's OUR beginning.....tell me GOD wasn't ALLLLLL in that!!! :) ...much more to come. Please keep reading because my hope is for you to see that bad things happen to good people but we CAN and WILL make it. By the way, this is NOT the way I normally write, all over the place, however with the Fibro comes cognitive issues and I can't place things in order for them to make sense..I hope you can follow. :( love to you all!!

I called my sweet boyfriend at the time, Jeff, who took me to 4 different Dr's in Charleston who ALL said I was "crazy" or "making it up". Needless to say, this only discouraged and frustrated us.I finally went home to see a doctor in Columbia who said "You have a very rare but very real illness we call Chronic Fatigue and know nothing about where it comes from, how you get it, why or how to help."Believe it or not this was a relief...we had a diagnosis!!!!! And i wasn't crazy! :) in that way..haha I had an almost perfect GPA, 3 weeks from the semester ending I had to drop out of college. I had already waited a year between high school and college to work to provide for my family as my dad was ill and unable to work. Gods timing was perfect because at that time, Jeff was at USC & we both started CSU the same year! :) So, even through things we don't understand...He's working! I mean, I met my hubby there in a singing group, New Vision. :) God is always in control!!! After moving out of the dorms and into an apartment with two other girls, sleeping literally ALL week as CSU allowed me to still tour with New Vision on weekends,it quickly became impossible for me. I moved home for my parents (while they were still married..more to come on that later as well..but again, God is a loving and healing God) to take care of me 24/7, bathe, feed, etc. Eventually I started "feeling" some better and Jeff and I married in June of 1994 with him knowing very well what he may be in for. He made a commitment to me and a vow to God, "in sickness and in health" not even knowing there would never be another healthy day for me. He's still by my side. Is it hard? You betcha!!! But we make it and are stronger today for it :) SO from the beginning of our marriage, we’ve seen numerous doctors( too many to count) and all but the one we see NOW knew nothing to do for these illnesses but pump me with steroids, morphine, you name it. I've gained a whopping 150 lbs since marriage but amazingly have a man who sees me as beautiful!! They put me on the medications just so I could walk. Jeff and I were in youth and music, mainly youth ministry together over 17 years, I was a Children's Minister for almost 4 years and when people would see me they'd think nothing was wrong. I'd become a recluse when things got too bad. Mostly because if I wasn't bubbly, energetic Kim, I felt very alone, unloved and others would stare and ask questions. Who wants to explain illnesses that quite honestly Dr's don't even care enough about to research? I didn't want any more advice like "Kim, just exercise, makes me feel better" "If you just try THIS diet or juice you'll be cured" or "Kim, if u had more faith you'd be okay"… that one tore at the core of my being and I lost best friends over it when I wanted to say..."do YOU pray for my healing, if so maybe its YOUR lack of faith!” However, in the end what good would that have done? My heart was already broken and Jeff and I knew better. Jesus while on earth didn't choose to heal ALL the sick and doesn't now. Can He? Absolutely!!! Does He? No! He knows why!! And we must trust! I've battled so many Dr's rudeness and misdiagnosis' as well as them telling me I'm lying and just want pain meds. However, I HATE pain meds, want it fixed, not masked!.....(MUCH more to come)....good stuff too!!! :)

I know that none of you (whether you've known me since childhood, just met me through facebook or a friend, know me from a church as your Children’s Minister, Youth pastors wife, played softball or clogged with me or know me from elementary, middle school, high school or college) have a CLUE what to make of my FB status' so I'm going to try for those asking, to explain my life. I hope you’ll be encouraged by some incredible stories, proving that through all of life’s twists and turns, ups and downs, we have a constant WHO loves us and there IS always a reason for the circumstances. :) For the past 20 years, I have had extremely severe fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes, arthritis, ten surgeries, degenerative disc disease, severe anxiety disorder and was extremely bi-polar (manic depressive) for 15 yrs .This actually included last resort brain shock treatments to keep me alive! Please don’t miss what has happened with this! I have also suffered 2 miscarriages, had PCOS for years as well as endometriosis and ovarian cysts but just had a hysterectomy. I found out I could NOT conceive right after we adopted Sara Beth! My reaction before the adoption would have devastated me, however, I was miraculously able to say“ HA, take this junk out dr…we have ALL we’ve ever prayed for and more” ☺ AGAIN, you don’t want to miss the miraculous way God provided for an unexpected adoption and the TIMING which was ONLY Him...incredible! OK, so here we are now…. I've been bedridden and unable to walk alone for months. I use a wheelchair, walkers, other people (haha), walls or whatever I can find. The BEST are the sit and shops at Walmart with someone. NO, not riding WITH someone, because that may hinder my viewing area and driving ability. However, the stories of me driving a sit and shop would crack you up!! Yes, they do beep when you back up! THANKS sit and shops!! They can easily get out of control as you zoom endlessly in circles. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration by saying “zoom” but you get the idea. I should say...I love them thangs! Now, back to where we are. ☺Although we now know these illnesses started manifesting themselves in high school at the age of 16, I've suffered SEVERELY to where they actually became disabilities since college at age 19. NO one would have imagined, especially myself, or even known. I was literally an athletic, energetic, happy college student in love with an incredible man, with so many hopes and dreams. I woke up one morning, paralyzed with pain and fatigue and couldn’t move a muscle. I told my room-mate, whose sister happened to have a very invalidated illness called Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction or disorder Syndrome (CFIDS of CFS) and she said “You sound like my sister.” With exams that day I'd studied hard for and a great weekend of concerts coming up, I couldn't move any part of my body. Of course, I was freightened beyond belief, felt alone….like I was dying!!.......
(part 2 to come soon)

My husband and I have so many passions but our hearts desires are to offer HOPE! We all need, as human beings and as a nation, to become more aware of those around us. Whether it be people we see daily, someone we’ve just met, those we live with or take for granted, people we think we may never see again, or just a person we simply make eye contact with while going about our day. Every single day, we have people in our “little” world who are battling and suffering either silently or visibly. You may be one of these people. If not, be very thankful but never take it for granted. It’s a gift and I believe to “whom much has been given, much is expected.” We, as one race, the human race, are all unique, yet have one thing in common. We all long for unconditional love. I find it in my personal relationship with God, my family, real friends, and in my animals eyes. You may believe YOU can’t make a difference in this world because you have nothing to offer. However we ALL have unique qualities that touch the hearts of others in a way no one else can. That amazes me! You know that one person in your life who simply “being near” or talking to or even just seeing them, makes you smile? Believe it or not, YOU are that person for someone as well. After dealing with multiple illnesses for over half of my life, I don’t feel worthy or productive or like I make much of a difference in anyone’s life, most of the time. I know it’s the nature of having a chronic illness and being home bound months at a time, but regardless of why we "feel" the way we do, we are all created for a purpose! We ALL have problems unique to us and sometimes just need to be reminded that we are worthy, loved, thought of, prayed for and special to another human being. With ALL of that said, my husband, Jeff and I, have a specific goal for what “survival bands” should be. They are becoming very popular right now but we would love to see these surpass simply another fashion “craze” or “trend” but hope to inspire people to think of someone who has made an impact in their life, touched their heart or battled an illness and is a survivor. We are all survivors in our own way, but how great would it be for someone to come up to you and give you a one of a kind bracelet made just for you and to tell you why you mean so much to them? You would forever remember those precious words because of a simple kind gesture. There are SO many exciting ways to use these bands/bracelets uniquely. The original purpose for these in the military, as well as any outdoor sports or hobbies such as camping, hiking, fishing, hunting, etc. was and still is practical and useful in an emergency situation. You simply untie the bracelet, leaving you with at least 10 feet of rope which holds up to 550 lbs of weight and has 7 strands inside that can be used as fishing line. We are truly hoping this will transcend even the practical aspect and become not a “fad” but a real way to share hope with others. You pick the color or two colors (two-toned ones are reversible) and decide based upon possibly the color that represents an illness (i.e. pink for breast cancer, purple for fibromyalgia, etc.) or be creative and use the color that represents the person, such as yellow, for vibrant or radiant. I recently gave a white one to a friend going through some dark times to say “the darkness will pass and please keep fighting.” Many people use these to send to a soldier fighting for our country to remind them they are thought of, appreciated and prayed for. Soldiers often make them to send home in appreciation for people praying for them but what an amazing gift it would be for them to receive one? These look amazing in the two -toned “olive green & black.” (MY personal favorite because it looks “earthy” and masculine) or “olive green & tan,” or “tan and black.” The black or olive with tan weaved inside are also very unique. We can custom make ANY colors or style you prefer.
We are using the proceeds to help offset the cost of the information I must buy for the Fibromyalgia support group I start in May, my continued education concerning this illness, as well as medical expenses to continue getting me well and keeping me well so I am able to lead this group. If you would like to purchase a bracelet please specify the circumference of your wrist since they are custom made. You can send me the request via email at Kimmie73.sc.rr.com. We accept checks made payable to me, Kim Stilwell or you may use a paypal account. You may use this address if you'd like to send a check: Fibro Help P.O. Box 85311 Lexington, SC 29073. We will set up a link for paypal soon. The cost for each bracelet including shipping is $7.00. (if you order more than one, we may be able to offer a discount rate for shipping with each bracelet only costing around $6.00) Also check out my site at www.FightingFibroTogether.com There is a wealth of information to help anyone suffering as well as all the info you'll need to join our support group. Hope you all have a beautiful day!!!!
COLORS PICTURED:
TOP ROW: Pink (Pink Camo coming soon for breast cancer awareness), Purple Camo (Fibro awareness), Olive Drab Green, Yellow, White, Black. BOTTOM ROW: Black with Coyote Tan intertwined, Black & White, OD Green & Black, Yellow & Black, OD Green & White, Black with White intertwined
NOT PICTURED BUT AVAILABLE:Pink Camo, Blue Camo (like purple one pictured) Cream/Ecru, light tan, dark brown and lighter mossy green (ACU green) so we can make ANY combination or style you like

Hey y'all!! SO, it's been forever since I blogged. Thought I'd TRY to make this quick (hahahahaha, sorry even that laugh was too long and LOUD in person.) I want to update you on what's been going on the past few months! Jeff has taken on a "new" position at church in Ministry as the STUDENT Minister which entails Junior High through college students and we are VERY excited! We have youth ON FIRE for our Awesome God and we rock out every Wednesday night with the best Youth Praise Band I'VE ever heard, with great talent and humble hearts ready to serve, have great bible studies, small groups on Sunday nights, youth choir, and now have Tuesday night Bible Study and worship with some great college students. Playing wiffle ball every other Thursday with a bunch of guys....lots going on now. We just got back from our ski trip and God moved like crazy!! I am always in awe of the servants we have as young people as they become aware, unprompted by us, of the needs of others, meet them and do so without expecting anything in return. ALL PRAISE & GLORY to God. We have GROWN in number (but hearts are growing and that's the goal..but have about 75 students every Wednesday night and are praying for more adult help that we KNOW will come SOON :) We are taking at LEAST 50 students, because we JUST advertised last night wow!! this Sunday night to "The Silver Ring Thing" (for us old schoolers, it's the old TRUE LOVE WAITS revamped and geared more toward today's teens.) We have a precious young almost 16 yr old youth who has been very sick and in pain for an entire year and we had a HUGE surprise party for her at church Saturday night. WE ALL (even the old lady, me) had a BLAST!!! Please keep sweet Jenny in your prayers as we see God breaking through. Her best friend is also having medical issues and could absolutely use your prayers :) We've been in ministry for 17 yrs full time together as hubby and wife and over ALL these years have been so truly blessed with Godly Kids, parents and families. THANKS to ALL who have helped with so much lately. As we have recently transitioned ministry positions and jobs, we are fervently praying for a dear friend who God has moved on to what we know will be bigger and better things for her life :) looking forward to seeing what God has planned there!
On another MIRACULOUS note, my sister and brother in law were blessed to have God bring us a nephew at the age of 7 into our lives over a year and a half ago. He was OFFICIALLY adopted January 25th. He just turned 9 Saturday and we couldn't be happier. He accepted Christ as His personal Savior a few months ago and although he is ALL boy, he is truly a blessing in all of our lives. It's incredible to me how God created this special, beautiful life KNOWING all along he would eventually be a part of our family. It was a long battle, more than expected but WELL worth it! He is stuck now...as I tell him!! hehe
ON ANOTHER note, haha...not short huh?? you know ME....we are on our way to Atlanta now actually for my next treatment and doctor appointment in the morning. I started with treatments for the Fibromyalgia, which many of you may know if you've followed my blog or Facebook or twitter. I was bedridden from Decemeber 2008 - May 2009. I have had 7 treatments (IV infusions, shots, daily vitamin, supplement and compounded meds regimen specifically made for MY deficiencies) and am more active and ALIVE now than I have been in years. I FINALLY, by God's grace had a good Thanksgiving and Christmas with family and friends. Although, we still have a long way to go and have committed to going every 5 weeks for the next YEAR, God has provided for all we need. After spending almost $20,000 out of pocket (so of course we're BROKE..haha.but who isn't right? and why worry because we serve a HUGE God Who is Bigger than any amount of money) I am on an uphill climb. NOTHING we've tried for 18 yrs has worked, even with long consistent tries and after too many condescending, discouraging and even arrogant doctors, God DID lead us to the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center (FibroandFatigue.com) where these REAL medical doctors use Holistic and medical approaches combined to receive optimum results specific to each patients needs. WHAT A RELIEF!!! I had 42 blood tests run in April and had them re-run again last month. I'll receive the results ON PAPER tomorrow morning to see how far I've come. Prayerfully, I will no longer be at stroke level with my blood coagulation (thickness of the blood) and we can try to conceive again. ONLY if it's in HIS will and He has it planned for us! NO ONE will ever tell me again that I am not capable to be a mom...adoption or otherwise...God, again is SOVEREIGN and Bigger than any illness, issues or life itself. His course is set for us all and as His children, we have the privilege and honor of crawling in His HUGE lap, calling Him "Daddy" and seeing in His eyes, compassion, adoration and contentment. OH HOW HE LOVES US! I am currently reading a book I HIGHLY recommend called "Crazy Love" and it will, with biblical guidance, change the way we see God...as OUR Creator, capable and allowed to do AS HE DESIRES....setting ourselves aside so HE can move through and in us!! Let's move y'all!! So often, my SELF gets in the way, and as I have to keep that in check, it's humbling, hurtful to see my sin face to face but refreshing to know I serve a God who forgives, loves, provides and IS STILL IN CONTROL!! His plans are to prosper me!! AND YOU AS HIS CHILD!! (BTW, we're still planning a HUGE party in the making after 18 in years of illness as soon as I am in remission and I WILL BE SOON..you are ALL invited!!)
A dear sweet friend of mine, Estela, after receiving an idea from one of our youth, Derek, to have a fund raising event to raise awareness about this debilitating illness and funds for my treatments and others as well, is putting together a "Kayaking for Kim" event along with "Cans for a Cure" (idea from another friend, Pam, in addition to this event) set for Saturday, April 17th (one kayaking trip in Columbia, SC that morning and another in the afternoon in Charleston, SC..entry fee $30 or people are sponsoring others in their stead) I am affiliated with a non0profit organization in Kansas City (fibrocoalition.org which i HIGHLY recommend to ANYONE suffering from Fibro or Chronic Fatigue. You can join online as a member for only $35 a year, receive their quarterly "FAN" magazine which stands for "Fibromylagia Alternative News" and provides a wealth of information to help us become more proactive and aware of how we can help ourselves) We have a group you can join on Facabook called "Kayaking for Kim" or in the next week you will be ale to go to kayakingforkim.info and get all the information and details on how you can help if you're able. You can even send donations to the Fibro Coalition and your monetary gifts will be tax-deductable.
I am starting a Fibromylagia Support group bi-monthly for ANYONE in Columbia, starting in April as well which will be hosted at our church. Again, my material is informative, helpful and comes directly from the Fibromylagia Caolition with medical, nutritional, supplemental and uplifting advice. Although there will be time allotted once a month to share some with others, most of the "support" time will be done outside of the meetings to ensure everyone is receiving proper "help" and answers to questions with most up to date technology and relief.
Since my recent back surgery in October, I have had a huge longing, and have several of our students who are eager to help and ready to go into Assisted Living Facilities in our hometown and help minister to those who can't get out by singing for them, loving on them and provided services such as "pimping out their walkers, wheelchairs and canes" :) GOTTA LOVE IT!! most nursing homes have social coordinators, however, I am in contact with a family friend who works closely with three of the assisted living facilities and they are prayerfully open to us coming to share God's love and hope!
Still in progress, is my 40 day devotional guide for chronic pain sufferers. I have a friend who works for a Christian film Production Company and has a literary agent waiting on me...I'm getting there but if it's not published, I'll just post daily devotions for any who need some hope and encouragement to make it through mental and physical illnesses :)
SO....lots of GREAT and exciting things going on around us and in the lives of dear friends and family!! I don't know HOW or WHY God chose to bless me so deeply with an incredible man of God, supportive parents (four of them) the most amazing sister in the world who adores me, brothers, nephews, a niece, "adopted" teens and younger kids and incredible friends who love me unconditionally BUT I AM FOREVER THANKFUL!! Remember once again, no matter how insurmountable our circumstances may SEEM, God is GREATER than them all!! We need this reminder directly from Him daily. I want to challenge you as I close (thankfully right?) to stand before your Master daily, ask for Him to help you see YOURSELF as HE sees You, See others as He sees them, make relationships right as far as it is in your control (or HIS..tough one seems at times), get your emotions and feelings in check so they line up with HIS....be REAL, be honest, be sincere, be loving, caring, compassionate, look beyond yourself to see the needs and hurts in others, allow God to bless YOU as he truly desires...spend time in HIS love letter to us, seek HIS face, not His hand, work on your marriages, relationships with family members, friends and intercede for others! WOW! what an honor to pray for others!!! TRULY a gift we all have!
Thanks for finishing if you did...and we truly appreciate your prayers...I HOPE YOU KNOW how much we covet them and would LOVE to know how to lift each of you up as well....Love, Kimalicious, Kimmie, Kimberellee, Kimber, Berle, Auntie, Miss Sassy Pants, Bon Kim Qui or just plain old KIM...whatever you call me :)

It's been a month since my major surgery and coming out of it we were all expecting, yet prayerfully hoping that there would be no major Fibro flare-ups or complications. Besides the really bad 6 days in the hospital, having a blood transfusion, heart rate over 145 the entire time and a high fever nightly along with some pain I've NEVER felt before..and I thought I'd felt it ALL with Fibro, knee surgeries, daily back pain forever it seemed,etc etc etc...LOL...I came home and for the first 3 weeks did better than any "healthy" person according to doctors, nurses, physical therapists, etc. SO....do I feel blessed and KNOW that the many many prayers offered up are what got me here? I DO!! I praise Him for every moment. The past few days, I have had and am having really bad pain at my incision site, graft site (normal progression of the surgery....knew it was going to be months of recovery) and feeling like I am LONG overdue for a Fibro treatment in Atlanta. I was going monthly and after detoxing and getting through that, I was much more active (except for my daily back pain interfering although I pushed through) than I'd been in months. I was scheduled in September for a treatment but b/c they are so expensive and all out of pocket, I figured, and the doctors agreed, that ONE right before my surgery may not be AS beneficial as we'd like...plus we just didn't have the money. Our cost per trip is about $1,000. Already tapped out at over $13,000 now out of pocket for treatments, visits, gas money and my vitamin/supplement regimen monthly. Seems like I'm being taken for a ride? not so.....God has used this place to get me on the path towards healing. If you've followed my blog, you know i was bedridden for 6 months prior to finding out about this place. After the 17-20 yrs of built up toxins and pain, it was bound and is still bound to take several more months to get my blood levels where they need to be. I had to cancel for October b/c I can't ride 8 hrs (even 20 minutes now) without being miserable and it's not the best thing for the bone fusion to take place...so we are scheduled for November 24th. I'll tell you where our heart, hope and prayers are.....we are praying first of all, for God to provide as He has thus far, for me to continue with the treatments and for my body to become healthy in every way. I am ready for that "NO PAIN day." Don't know how it'll feel but i may do a cartwheel when i feel it. :) Through the 13 yrs of desiring a baby whole-heartedly, we along with my doctor believe that once my body is healthy, it is still possible. However, God has had to bring me to the place of contentment knowing HIS ways are higher, His plans are better and He WILL NOT leave me longing for something He knows is NOT a part of His mighty plan for me. So, here we are now, seeing good things happening in the lives of so many of our "kids" in the youth group and are looking forward to my improved health. I am in the process of writing a devotional guide for chronic illness sufferers of both mental and physical ailments. Having had four misunderstood, In-validated illnesses and having sought devotional guides myself over the years, I KNOW that what's out there unfortunately left me feeling guilty, as if my faith were stronger, I would be healed, or that it was some kind of punishment towards me. Many people over the course of mine and Jeff's lives together have even said these untrue and hurtful things to us concerning my health. God NEVER ever said, although some evangelists today would LOVE to make you think otherwise, that life would be easy, or we should ALWAYS be happy. Happiness and joy in our soul are two different things. Look at what God allowed Satan to do to Job. HE HAD FAITH..strong faith which ultimately is why God KNEW he would be okay and allowed the permission He did to Satan. SO, my question is "where as a "Christian community" have we gone wrong in believing that life was meant to be skipped down a yellow brick road, laughing all the way and never having a right to feel pain, hurt, fear, etc?" Some Christians have and still do deceive non-believers and once they surrender their life to Him, and hit a bump in the road....they question God and His Sovereignty. It's very sad to me. Even through some painful moments emotionally, physically, mentally, etc., simply struggling as a human being, at the end of the day, I want to (and do) lay my head down on the pillow, always knowing WHOSE I am and that He is still on His throne....unchanging, unlike my circumstances. I don't know how God is going to show up in our lives over the next few weeks as we prepare and keep my appointment in Atlanta, BUT I KNOW HE WILL. Why? because He has never led me anywhere that He wasn't willing and able to sustain me and fulfill His purpose in my life. We are praying this devotional guide will come to fruition only in hopes to offer HOPE to the disheartened during their daily struggle. I want people to know what is TRUE, biblical and real...God's mercies are new every morning. He understand our heartaches and pain, but doesn't want us to stay there so He offers Himself ALONE to be all we need. But, sometimes the human mind especially during a mental illness isn't capable of comprehending even that....but God is more powerful and bigger than we let Him be. He can break through any walls we have in our lives. Our ultimate desire should simply be to seek Him so intensely that we only long to be more like His Son and the progression takes place because of HIM, nothing we do. Hoping this blog finds you all healthy, well and joyful.....whatever your circumstance may be right now, we serve a POWERFUL God who can and will give you all you need. Trusting, Kim

I just found out I am going to have back surgery October 1st but after 16 months of trying EVERYTHING in the world, a doctor finally did a test and saw that my L5 disc was HORRIBLY degenerated. I KNEW that but no one believed me. After 4 doctors, 3 rounds of x-rays, acupuncture, massage therapy, horizontal laser therapy, x-ray injections, epidurals, nerve block shots, physical therapy, water therapy, and more, all I kept hearing was that if I lost weight it would help. I GET that but I have sever Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and have had this bulging degenerative disc disease for at least 16 months....so of course, the pain is too bad to exercise and with the other health issues (underactive thyroid, diabetes, etc) it is almost impossible to lose weight. However, even after losing 22 lbs since starting my treatments for the Fibro, my back was getting worse but the Fibro better. We prayed that someone would finally see the problem. This dr. sent me for a very extensive test called a Ct scan/discogram where they inject 4 huge needles into each disc and deliberately try to recreate your pain and see which discs are healthy and how bad they are. After seeing the results, there was no question. Surgery is the only option. So, we are praying that even though the surgeon is concerned this invasive surgery will irritate my Fibro, we've known doctors to be human and wrong before. :) Praying God will make the recovery process less painful since pain meds have no affect on me and I'm ready to get on with life. I was soon going to start leading a support group here in Columbia for Fibromyalgia sufferers. But, that will be postponed until after my recovery. I have a heart and passion for alllll chronic debilitating illness sufferers, but I am only going to be trained to help with knowledge of Fibro and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am affiliated with a non-profit organization in Kansas called Fibromyalgia Coalition International and they help so many people. So, soon it is coming to Columbia but for now, I am still praying for God to place people in my path with this illness that is so debilitating and HE has amazingly done that already!! Praying for so many and for God to show Himself to you all as He has shown Himself to me. Remember, no matter what your struggle is or how insurmountable it may seem.....God is bigger than all of it!! :) what hope we have!!!!!