Ranting, Raving and Renewing

Over the past several years, I have tried EVERY therapy there is, SERIOUSLY, even ones that seem strange but I want to be better! Over 17 yrs I've gained 150 lbs. from the multiple illnesses. This is a huge source of embarrassment and depression for me at times. However, I know it was all out of my control and when it IS in my control...I can lose some. My heart is the same, even bigger now (not being funny there...haha..it IS bigger in the sense of my compassion and love for others which I never thought possible) In Columbia there are two pain management Dr's and I have seen both. I was in physical therapy forever to find out (after I tried to tell my therapist there was something horrific going on with my back BESIDES the Fibro which he didn't believe and after going to TWO different Orthopedic dr's,multiple shots,tests,therapy again and finally an extremely painful but detailed test) that I had a BLOWN disc and degenerative disc disease that required immediate surgery. I had a replacement using a donor bone and my pelvic bone they had to cut out (October 2009) I also fell in New York on a huge patch of water with no signs indicating a problem. It was right by the freezers that were leaking at a Kmart. We were on a youth trip with chartered buses full of kids ready to minister and had to fly home immediately with a knee cap that had completely busted in half and come apart from doing a split on cement. Thankfully not landing on my head instead. I am awaiting a two part cartilage transplant because my knee is still in bad shape and eventually one or two knee replacements. They only last 10-15 yrs so of course, thankfully we are doing all we can to hold out. I've had 2 miscarriages and many said during the time, "maybe it's best bc you've been so sick". People, I'm grieving!! For real??? Yes, if I lost a baby, God knows why but people's efforts to help just brought me further down. Going back, the year Jeff and I married I was diagnosed with severe depression, very hereditary In my family and definitely chemical not circumstancial (and there IS a difference no matter what people believe) and later diagnosed correctly with bi-polar. I went through lonely periods of DEEP suicidal depression as well as times of working 3 jobs at a time and never sleeping. Both, the nature of the illness. People didn't understand this....Many friends felt the same..church felt the same..it was something people didn't talk about to Christians. People except KIM. Did it Hurt ME to be real at that time? Maybe? Others' perspectives of me changed and I became a mystery and source of gossip I heard "Kim doesn't need those meds, now she's just screwed up" or "Why is Kim not here at church ALL of the time with Jeff? She just needs to get out and go anyway." Even, maybe with good intentions, I still don't know, a friend at the time would literally take me everywhere while telling me THIS would make it ALL better...the fibro and bi-polar IF they were even real. Jeff and I knew my depression was real and so was ALL the rest. Eventually I had to quit all of my jobs, work on my health and we went through so many states and hospitals but to no avail except meds and weight gain. Ten yrs ago we were called back home,served until recently, in Jeffs home church. This is also the church we were married in and one my family attended when I was young. Jeff and I were on the preschool hall together and my dad taught his moms Sunday school class but God wasn't ready for Jeff and I to even meet! Later, (side note.. you'll get that a LOT with me as you notice!) when Jeff and I were growing up, my dad and his mom worked together and my dad even led a bible study at work that his mom attended. Jeff and I never met until college and way before we began dating (bc we were just friends and he'd had the same girlfriend for 4 yrs. We never even thought of each other "that way" ) he'd hitch rides home with me from school because he was too cheap to buy gas. lol One day his mom made the connection with my last name and we realized who each other were. We'd heard our parents mention each other. In fact, Jeff says his mom would tell him things my dad said in SS and bible study...think about that for a second, MY dad, who'd prayed since before I was born for the man I'd marry one day, played a role in Jeff's spiritual life. Tell me God isn't awesome!!! My dad even knew I was going to marry Jeff before we dated. One weekend when he saw us in New Vision singing at none other than the church we just had to leave, my dad looked at my mom as we were singing, pointed to Jeff and (while he had a girlfriend and mom had never heard me even mention liking jeff more than a friend) said "THAT'S the man Kim's going to marry". What???? lol...of course later later as I called mom to tell her I was going on a first date with Jeff Stilwell (after he'd broken up with his girlfriend of course! For a while in Columbia,I was known as a home-wrecker and that's NOT me) mom TOLD me what dad said. Thanks mom, no pressure!! Lol. By that time though, our friendship had grown and we in some way already knew, but Still! Haha so, that's OUR beginning.....tell me GOD wasn't ALLLLLL in that!!! :) ...much more to come. Please keep reading because my hope is for you to see that bad things happen to good people but we CAN and WILL make it. By the way, this is NOT the way I normally write, all over the place, however with the Fibro comes cognitive issues and I can't place things in order for them to make sense..I hope you can follow. :( love to you all!!

I called my sweet boyfriend at the time, Jeff, who took me to 4 different Dr's in Charleston who ALL said I was "crazy" or "making it up". Needless to say, this only discouraged and frustrated us.I finally went home to see a doctor in Columbia who said "You have a very rare but very real illness we call Chronic Fatigue and know nothing about where it comes from, how you get it, why or how to help."Believe it or not this was a relief...we had a diagnosis!!!!! And i wasn't crazy! :) in that way..haha I had an almost perfect GPA, 3 weeks from the semester ending I had to drop out of college. I had already waited a year between high school and college to work to provide for my family as my dad was ill and unable to work. Gods timing was perfect because at that time, Jeff was at USC & we both started CSU the same year! :) So, even through things we don't understand...He's working! I mean, I met my hubby there in a singing group, New Vision. :) God is always in control!!! After moving out of the dorms and into an apartment with two other girls, sleeping literally ALL week as CSU allowed me to still tour with New Vision on weekends,it quickly became impossible for me. I moved home for my parents (while they were still married..more to come on that later as well..but again, God is a loving and healing God) to take care of me 24/7, bathe, feed, etc. Eventually I started "feeling" some better and Jeff and I married in June of 1994 with him knowing very well what he may be in for. He made a commitment to me and a vow to God, "in sickness and in health" not even knowing there would never be another healthy day for me. He's still by my side. Is it hard? You betcha!!! But we make it and are stronger today for it :) SO from the beginning of our marriage, we’ve seen numerous doctors( too many to count) and all but the one we see NOW knew nothing to do for these illnesses but pump me with steroids, morphine, you name it. I've gained a whopping 150 lbs since marriage but amazingly have a man who sees me as beautiful!! They put me on the medications just so I could walk. Jeff and I were in youth and music, mainly youth ministry together over 17 years, I was a Children's Minister for almost 4 years and when people would see me they'd think nothing was wrong. I'd become a recluse when things got too bad. Mostly because if I wasn't bubbly, energetic Kim, I felt very alone, unloved and others would stare and ask questions. Who wants to explain illnesses that quite honestly Dr's don't even care enough about to research? I didn't want any more advice like "Kim, just exercise, makes me feel better" "If you just try THIS diet or juice you'll be cured" or "Kim, if u had more faith you'd be okay"… that one tore at the core of my being and I lost best friends over it when I wanted to say..."do YOU pray for my healing, if so maybe its YOUR lack of faith!” However, in the end what good would that have done? My heart was already broken and Jeff and I knew better. Jesus while on earth didn't choose to heal ALL the sick and doesn't now. Can He? Absolutely!!! Does He? No! He knows why!! And we must trust! I've battled so many Dr's rudeness and misdiagnosis' as well as them telling me I'm lying and just want pain meds. However, I HATE pain meds, want it fixed, not masked!.....(MUCH more to come)....good stuff too!!! :)

I know that none of you (whether you've known me since childhood, just met me through facebook or a friend, know me from a church as your Children’s Minister, Youth pastors wife, played softball or clogged with me or know me from elementary, middle school, high school or college) have a CLUE what to make of my FB status' so I'm going to try for those asking, to explain my life. I hope you’ll be encouraged by some incredible stories, proving that through all of life’s twists and turns, ups and downs, we have a constant WHO loves us and there IS always a reason for the circumstances. :) For the past 20 years, I have had extremely severe fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, diabetes, arthritis, ten surgeries, degenerative disc disease, severe anxiety disorder and was extremely bi-polar (manic depressive) for 15 yrs .This actually included last resort brain shock treatments to keep me alive! Please don’t miss what has happened with this! I have also suffered 2 miscarriages, had PCOS for years as well as endometriosis and ovarian cysts but just had a hysterectomy. I found out I could NOT conceive right after we adopted Sara Beth! My reaction before the adoption would have devastated me, however, I was miraculously able to say“ HA, take this junk out dr…we have ALL we’ve ever prayed for and more” ☺ AGAIN, you don’t want to miss the miraculous way God provided for an unexpected adoption and the TIMING which was ONLY Him...incredible! OK, so here we are now…. I've been bedridden and unable to walk alone for months. I use a wheelchair, walkers, other people (haha), walls or whatever I can find. The BEST are the sit and shops at Walmart with someone. NO, not riding WITH someone, because that may hinder my viewing area and driving ability. However, the stories of me driving a sit and shop would crack you up!! Yes, they do beep when you back up! THANKS sit and shops!! They can easily get out of control as you zoom endlessly in circles. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration by saying “zoom” but you get the idea. I should say...I love them thangs! Now, back to where we are. ☺Although we now know these illnesses started manifesting themselves in high school at the age of 16, I've suffered SEVERELY to where they actually became disabilities since college at age 19. NO one would have imagined, especially myself, or even known. I was literally an athletic, energetic, happy college student in love with an incredible man, with so many hopes and dreams. I woke up one morning, paralyzed with pain and fatigue and couldn’t move a muscle. I told my room-mate, whose sister happened to have a very invalidated illness called Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction or disorder Syndrome (CFIDS of CFS) and she said “You sound like my sister.” With exams that day I'd studied hard for and a great weekend of concerts coming up, I couldn't move any part of my body. Of course, I was freightened beyond belief, felt alone….like I was dying!!.......
(part 2 to come soon)