Ranting, Raving and Renewing

You know the days when your heart seems so overwhelmed you just don't know how much more you can handle?? Lately, I know these days all too well. My heart is full of so many emotions, frustrations, longings, fears, desires and hurts. But, for those who think I am just full of complaints and life can't possibly be that hard...I just have to say..you're wrong. I am not complaining...and life is tough...maybe tougher for some than others. Maybe some people are equipped and able to deal better, but others of us, as we push through, keep hitting obstacles at every turn...even if we're pushing STRAIGHT forward there seem to be brick walls. We've all been there and some seasons last longer than others, or maybe it just seems that way. Either way, as I have always said our problems are unique to us...BUT we all serve the same God who loves us all the same and will be more than we need. Only recently, a student of ours has shown interest in my illness, which so many suffer from. He has researched it and found it to be more extensive and debilitating than he ever knew. If we all would follow the example of a young man and be willing to research and discover what others suffer from, in hopes to be an encouragement, the world would certainly be a better place. Instead, we seem more interested in googling the latest "news" concerning the private lives of celebrities or watching videos on youTube. Is there anything wrong with YouTube?? I don't think so..I find many things very funny. (Bon Qui Qui is my girl) I am NOT standing in judgement or condemnation of anyone..I am just as "guilty" as the next person. I guess after coming off of an "Unplugged" retreat with our kids and seeing them take time to listen to one another, get to know each other and rally around those with hurts and pain, while sharing in each others' joys....My point is simply...if we spent as much time in God's Word and really listening to the problems and pains of others as we do on Facebook, twittering, watching tv, reading other books and on the computer....we would see a difference and make a difference in the lives of others as well as our own. Too much for you to handle? Just remember it's MY thoughts, MY views, MY blog and it's My way of venting and sharing what God's doing in my life. :) I am who I am, have never made apologies for being real and honest....and won't start now. Just know my heart is to see others lives changed for the better, see them encouraged and see God glorified through us all. I ask sincerely for you to pray for me to be who I am called to be and for Him to change in me all HE wants too..as He chips away all that's not of Him, making me more like His Son...may I be open and willing to be obedient!!!

You know, I thoroughly enjoyed our worship service Sunday morning and it was the 3rd time I'd been to a morning service since Christmas b/c of my health and mornings being so hard for me. I listened and agreed with all the guest speaker said, especially when he said that life is tough and filled with troubles. He stated that we often ask for God to remove burdens from our lives, instead of asking for him to make our backs stronger so we can carry the loads. I KNOW many times I have asked for God to remove this illness instead of just asking for Him to give me what I need to get through. God knew we were going to have troubles in life.....why else would he say "Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own? Despite what even some tv evangelists and speakers may try to tell us...life is HARD...even as Christians. We are not void of problems. Has nothing to do with out faith, our joy, etc.....life is just that...LIFE...tough, real, hard and not always "fair." But we serve a God who IS bigger than it all and CAN have joy in our souls in the midst of circumstances. Do I understand what he was saying? I truly do....But, on days like today, when I feel like I can't go on anymore and after 20 years of being sick, starting to get better, then having a relapse I assume due to stress and and overdoing it the past few weeks, I DO ask God to take it away. I ask, however, with every ounce of my being, KNOWING that if it's God's will for me to bear this illness, that He will provide what I need. Jeff and I have taken on a responsibility recently (3 weeks now) that we truly believe God called us too....so my questions is....If we KNOW we are called to do this now, why am I not being given all I need physically to handle it? I don't DOUBT God.....just don't understand. BUT...He never said I'd have to understand it all...in fact he even said His ways are higher than ours and I probably WOULDN'T understand. I can deal with that. After all, He IS God, my creator and the creator of the universe and as I've said many times before, he doesn't need MY permission to do anything. I will always trust that He is in control. So, I guess, right this moment, even as I type (with tears streaming down my face out of frustration, disappointment, pain, weakness and mostly AWE of my Heavenly Father) I am realizing that while I still believe God is using my treatments to help me, I AM STILL SICK and if He hasn't chosen to "LIFT" my disease completely, my prayer DOES need to be for strength to endure and continue on this path. I want to be faithful in ALL God calls me to do and be. I just need my body to cooperate. The things most people take for granted (and I have been guilty of at times in my life of doing it too) such as spending time with friends, being able to "run to the store" and even being able to WORK...as much as some of you dread it most mornings.....what would some of you do without it? It may help give you a sense of purpose (although i KNOW better since being unable to work..that my purpose and who i AM is not based on what i DO) but it may give you the money you need to survive, time to be around other human beings and communicate on a daily basis......I can't have that. Don't feel sorry for me please (not that you were) because that's not why I say this. I say it b/c JUST the past few days we've had dear friends who JUST moved and spent their last night here hoping we could see them, but b/c of my health, we couldn't. And my precious friend who lives 3 hours away and I never get to see anymore was in town tonight, going to spend the night, but b/c she KNOWS me so well, could hear in my voice, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I COULD even sit up to just "talk " tonight....that I am weary, worn and exhausted...she went back home and I cried and cried. I ADORE her and it is rare to find friends who love you enough, to put YOU before them. That's what she did.....she left it up to me.....she would have come and watched me sleep but I knew that wasn't fair to her either. It was a disappointment all the way around not to see our friends off and to see my friend today. I KNOW I'll see them again but the point is.....my body won't let me live the life I want to live EVEN when I'm doing what I know God has called us to do. Maybe one day it will make sense. Maybe not. Either way..I have to be content and accept it based on the God I KNOW!!! We have our youth white water rafting trip all next week. We've been going to the same place almost every year for 16 years of ministry and I have never missed one of these trips. It's my favorite for many reasons....we have precious, spiritually uplifting friends who run the retreat center, it's always the most amazing spiritual trip for our kids and adults and it's peaceful and beautiful!!!! However, I can't remember the last time I went and was able to stay in the bunk rooms with the girls (I always have to sleep downstairs b/c I'm so sick) but this year I don't want to do that.....I WANT to finally enjoy the entire experience as much as I can. Being with our sweet girls, giggling at night and just sharing all God is doing in their lives and mine is an amazing experience. Again, these things may seem simplistic and silly to some of you...others of you who have the same illnesses will completely understand alllll I am saying...but either way, my prayer for myself and what I am asking you to pray for too, is that I WILL be given ALL and maybe even more that I need to do God's work and to enjoy next week, to catch up on the much needed rest this week and feel somewhat "normal" although I don't know what that is. Do I want your Pity? NO....Sorrow? NO.....Sadness? NO Prayer???? YES!!! And I am trying even now to look forward to what God is going to do IN me and THROUGH me. I love Him more and more no matter what...just pensive, confused maybe a little, and extremely weary right now. Thanks for listening and praying.....love to you all!!!

A part of this stupid illness is the horrible sleep patterns we have. Sadly, ALL people need sleep to restore all of the necessary brain chemicals and the body's natural rest aids and for the many of us with fibro and chronic FATIGUE syndrome, you'd THINK we'd have no trouble sleeping...on the contrary. I, as well as most patients afflicted with this disease, go through cycles...some nights, even weeks at a time I sleep 12 hours a night or more, and sometimes it's restful, REAL sleep, but mostly it's a dream-like state, non REM sleep, leaving me always exhausted and feeling like I've been run over then backed up over again by an 18 wheeler (although I am still HUGE...lol...sorry, bad attempt at making fun of my big ole self...when Jeff reads it he'll fuss at me like he always does...but honey, it was just a joke...granted, a bad one, but a joke nonetheless..lol)anyway...(I seem to have to get myself back on track with "so" and "anyway" which if you've been following, you know by now) SO.... :-) there's the other side of the sleep issue..insomnia. This can go on for weeks, and has been for me. I haven't slept well for a couple of them. Again, sadly, for us, because most of us due to the illness, from my recent blood work result findings, have the inability, literally, for our bodies to deal with, adapt to, filter and relieve STRESS, this, at least for me, comes into play often. Stress is a part of life for us all, but without the ability to handle it properly, my sleep is really affected. I'm getting better physically and am so thankful for my new doctor and the center in Atlanta so HAPPILY (no more "sadly") I AM seeing improvement. Still have a long way to go but we're heading in the right direction. I finally sent my previous ignorant, incompetent and unprofessional doctors who were allowing me to wither away and sending me towards a slow death, a certified letter stating how horrible their "care" was. All I care to say on this matter is, as I stated to them, I hope I am a rare case, not for the sake of their practice or their jobs, but for the sake of many sick people who come to them in need, expecting and trusting they will receive health care and proper quality medical treatment when needed. I truly hope I am the ONLY one they found "hard to deal with." :) Since we ALL know I am SO hard to get along with...LOL! Ok..I'm over that. Aren't you glad? I DO, however have one more life analogy I conjured up as we were on the river kayaking last week. (YES y'all, I felt well enough to kayak..PRAISE THE LORD!) As we were paddling a LOT b/c the river was low that day and there wasn't much breeze, and of course I was complaining a little :) as i got stuck on rocks and was sweating...I don't like to sweat and do it way too much for someone who hates it...we finally came to a spot where the cool breeze began to blow, I didn't have to paddle as hard and I said to Jeff and the child who was with us in Jeff's boat "well, it's about time, now that we're towards the END, that we get a break and some help from the wind." And right as I said it...I realized that just like life, I needed to be THANKFUL for the moment and not upset about the past...to embrace and enjoy the beautiful breeze given by God, take in HIS gorgeous creation and know that even if most of my life has been not so smooth, there ARE bright, easy, fun, beautiful moments I need to cherish and feel blessed and thankful for. So, I turned my boat around to look back at Jeff and as I saw how far I'd paddled and how breath-taking the view was behind me with the reflection of the sun gleaming on the water, the trees blowing and the peaceful, graceful birds, I also thought how it's okay to look back at life, but not to dwell on the past. Instead, look back to be amazed at how far you've come, through the times you were "stuck on a rock" and felt so frustrated like you'd never be able to get out of that place or times you were so weary from trying to "paddle or PUSH through non flowing waters" (rough times) that you didn't think you'd make it to the end.... what other choice do we have in life, just as in kayaking as you're in the middle of the river..but to keep on going? THAT type of looking back, being able to see what you can accomplish, have come through and seeing God's hand or beauty in it all....makes it worth the ride.....life that is...kayaking too!!! Hope that made as much sense to you as it did to me when God revealed it. ENJOY the cool breezes today..those moments when you feel God loving on you and thank HIM..He deserves our praise! Hope you have a great day. I plan too, even with the lack of sleep. :)