Ranting, Raving and Renewing

You know, I thoroughly enjoyed our worship service Sunday morning and it was the 3rd time I'd been to a morning service since Christmas b/c of my health and mornings being so hard for me. I listened and agreed with all the guest speaker said, especially when he said that life is tough and filled with troubles. He stated that we often ask for God to remove burdens from our lives, instead of asking for him to make our backs stronger so we can carry the loads. I KNOW many times I have asked for God to remove this illness instead of just asking for Him to give me what I need to get through. God knew we were going to have troubles in life.....why else would he say "Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own? Despite what even some tv evangelists and speakers may try to tell us...life is HARD...even as Christians. We are not void of problems. Has nothing to do with out faith, our joy, etc.....life is just that...LIFE...tough, real, hard and not always "fair." But we serve a God who IS bigger than it all and CAN have joy in our souls in the midst of circumstances. Do I understand what he was saying? I truly do....But, on days like today, when I feel like I can't go on anymore and after 20 years of being sick, starting to get better, then having a relapse I assume due to stress and and overdoing it the past few weeks, I DO ask God to take it away. I ask, however, with every ounce of my being, KNOWING that if it's God's will for me to bear this illness, that He will provide what I need. Jeff and I have taken on a responsibility recently (3 weeks now) that we truly believe God called us too....so my questions is....If we KNOW we are called to do this now, why am I not being given all I need physically to handle it? I don't DOUBT God.....just don't understand. BUT...He never said I'd have to understand it all...in fact he even said His ways are higher than ours and I probably WOULDN'T understand. I can deal with that. After all, He IS God, my creator and the creator of the universe and as I've said many times before, he doesn't need MY permission to do anything. I will always trust that He is in control. So, I guess, right this moment, even as I type (with tears streaming down my face out of frustration, disappointment, pain, weakness and mostly AWE of my Heavenly Father) I am realizing that while I still believe God is using my treatments to help me, I AM STILL SICK and if He hasn't chosen to "LIFT" my disease completely, my prayer DOES need to be for strength to endure and continue on this path. I want to be faithful in ALL God calls me to do and be. I just need my body to cooperate. The things most people take for granted (and I have been guilty of at times in my life of doing it too) such as spending time with friends, being able to "run to the store" and even being able to WORK...as much as some of you dread it most mornings.....what would some of you do without it? It may help give you a sense of purpose (although i KNOW better since being unable to work..that my purpose and who i AM is not based on what i DO) but it may give you the money you need to survive, time to be around other human beings and communicate on a daily basis......I can't have that. Don't feel sorry for me please (not that you were) because that's not why I say this. I say it b/c JUST the past few days we've had dear friends who JUST moved and spent their last night here hoping we could see them, but b/c of my health, we couldn't. And my precious friend who lives 3 hours away and I never get to see anymore was in town tonight, going to spend the night, but b/c she KNOWS me so well, could hear in my voice, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I COULD even sit up to just "talk " tonight....that I am weary, worn and exhausted...she went back home and I cried and cried. I ADORE her and it is rare to find friends who love you enough, to put YOU before them. That's what she did.....she left it up to me.....she would have come and watched me sleep but I knew that wasn't fair to her either. It was a disappointment all the way around not to see our friends off and to see my friend today. I KNOW I'll see them again but the point is.....my body won't let me live the life I want to live EVEN when I'm doing what I know God has called us to do. Maybe one day it will make sense. Maybe not. Either way..I have to be content and accept it based on the God I KNOW!!! We have our youth white water rafting trip all next week. We've been going to the same place almost every year for 16 years of ministry and I have never missed one of these trips. It's my favorite for many reasons....we have precious, spiritually uplifting friends who run the retreat center, it's always the most amazing spiritual trip for our kids and adults and it's peaceful and beautiful!!!! However, I can't remember the last time I went and was able to stay in the bunk rooms with the girls (I always have to sleep downstairs b/c I'm so sick) but this year I don't want to do that.....I WANT to finally enjoy the entire experience as much as I can. Being with our sweet girls, giggling at night and just sharing all God is doing in their lives and mine is an amazing experience. Again, these things may seem simplistic and silly to some of you...others of you who have the same illnesses will completely understand alllll I am saying...but either way, my prayer for myself and what I am asking you to pray for too, is that I WILL be given ALL and maybe even more that I need to do God's work and to enjoy next week, to catch up on the much needed rest this week and feel somewhat "normal" although I don't know what that is. Do I want your Pity? NO....Sorrow? NO.....Sadness? NO Prayer???? YES!!! And I am trying even now to look forward to what God is going to do IN me and THROUGH me. I love Him more and more no matter what...just pensive, confused maybe a little, and extremely weary right now. Thanks for listening and praying.....love to you all!!!