Ranting, Raving and Renewing

Over the past several years, I have tried EVERY therapy there is, SERIOUSLY, even ones that seem strange but I want to be better! Over 17 yrs I've gained 150 lbs. from the multiple illnesses. This is a huge source of embarrassment and depression for me at times. However, I know it was all out of my control and when it IS in my control...I can lose some. My heart is the same, even bigger now (not being funny there...haha..it IS bigger in the sense of my compassion and love for others which I never thought possible) In Columbia there are two pain management Dr's and I have seen both. I was in physical therapy forever to find out (after I tried to tell my therapist there was something horrific going on with my back BESIDES the Fibro which he didn't believe and after going to TWO different Orthopedic dr's,multiple shots,tests,therapy again and finally an extremely painful but detailed test) that I had a BLOWN disc and degenerative disc disease that required immediate surgery. I had a replacement using a donor bone and my pelvic bone they had to cut out (October 2009) I also fell in New York on a huge patch of water with no signs indicating a problem. It was right by the freezers that were leaking at a Kmart. We were on a youth trip with chartered buses full of kids ready to minister and had to fly home immediately with a knee cap that had completely busted in half and come apart from doing a split on cement. Thankfully not landing on my head instead. I am awaiting a two part cartilage transplant because my knee is still in bad shape and eventually one or two knee replacements. They only last 10-15 yrs so of course, thankfully we are doing all we can to hold out. I've had 2 miscarriages and many said during the time, "maybe it's best bc you've been so sick". People, I'm grieving!! For real??? Yes, if I lost a baby, God knows why but people's efforts to help just brought me further down. Going back, the year Jeff and I married I was diagnosed with severe depression, very hereditary In my family and definitely chemical not circumstancial (and there IS a difference no matter what people believe) and later diagnosed correctly with bi-polar. I went through lonely periods of DEEP suicidal depression as well as times of working 3 jobs at a time and never sleeping. Both, the nature of the illness. People didn't understand this....Many friends felt the same..church felt the same..it was something people didn't talk about to Christians. People except KIM. Did it Hurt ME to be real at that time? Maybe? Others' perspectives of me changed and I became a mystery and source of gossip I heard "Kim doesn't need those meds, now she's just screwed up" or "Why is Kim not here at church ALL of the time with Jeff? She just needs to get out and go anyway." Even, maybe with good intentions, I still don't know, a friend at the time would literally take me everywhere while telling me THIS would make it ALL better...the fibro and bi-polar IF they were even real. Jeff and I knew my depression was real and so was ALL the rest. Eventually I had to quit all of my jobs, work on my health and we went through so many states and hospitals but to no avail except meds and weight gain. Ten yrs ago we were called back home,served until recently, in Jeffs home church. This is also the church we were married in and one my family attended when I was young. Jeff and I were on the preschool hall together and my dad taught his moms Sunday school class but God wasn't ready for Jeff and I to even meet! Later, (side note.. you'll get that a LOT with me as you notice!) when Jeff and I were growing up, my dad and his mom worked together and my dad even led a bible study at work that his mom attended. Jeff and I never met until college and way before we began dating (bc we were just friends and he'd had the same girlfriend for 4 yrs. We never even thought of each other "that way" ) he'd hitch rides home with me from school because he was too cheap to buy gas. lol One day his mom made the connection with my last name and we realized who each other were. We'd heard our parents mention each other. In fact, Jeff says his mom would tell him things my dad said in SS and bible study...think about that for a second, MY dad, who'd prayed since before I was born for the man I'd marry one day, played a role in Jeff's spiritual life. Tell me God isn't awesome!!! My dad even knew I was going to marry Jeff before we dated. One weekend when he saw us in New Vision singing at none other than the church we just had to leave, my dad looked at my mom as we were singing, pointed to Jeff and (while he had a girlfriend and mom had never heard me even mention liking jeff more than a friend) said "THAT'S the man Kim's going to marry". What???? lol...of course later later as I called mom to tell her I was going on a first date with Jeff Stilwell (after he'd broken up with his girlfriend of course! For a while in Columbia,I was known as a home-wrecker and that's NOT me) mom TOLD me what dad said. Thanks mom, no pressure!! Lol. By that time though, our friendship had grown and we in some way already knew, but Still! Haha so, that's OUR beginning.....tell me GOD wasn't ALLLLLL in that!!! :) ...much more to come. Please keep reading because my hope is for you to see that bad things happen to good people but we CAN and WILL make it. By the way, this is NOT the way I normally write, all over the place, however with the Fibro comes cognitive issues and I can't place things in order for them to make sense..I hope you can follow. :( love to you all!!