Ranting, Raving and Renewing

When life throws you a curve ball.....well, in our case when life throws you a FAST ball (thrown quickly, unexpectedly, overwhelmingly hard) CATCH it, scream a little from the pain you're feeling if you must but quickly realize....WOW!!! I caught it..I can handle this and we may even win this game!! (Stay with me here people...you'll get in momentarily) My sad attempt at using a baseball analogy, or in my case after my years of softball...a softball analogy, is unique. Normally, we think of a specific type of "pitch" when thinking of one throwing the ball, but as a first baseman all of my life with my sister playing short stop, throwing EXTREMELY fast, hard, hand stinging balls at me to ensure it would always get to my glove and the base before the runner did....I have put my own personal twist on this. I am taking the perspective of my position, first baseman, not a hitter. My point is......we all encounter, as Jeff and I are now, as well as many others, some things that when coming at us, may look scary, overwhelming, insurmountable, which is how every single throw from my sister to me looked over the years, but I couldn't throw my glove on top of my head, duck, run or scream (well, i actually DID always scream...can you picture that? It happened....don't know why, but it made people laugh..lol) anyway......as I said, I couldn't do anything but what I was supposed to do as a team player and first baseman which was to do the best I could to catch the ball and get the runner out...one runner at time, each time getting closer to the end. I am going to apply this same perspective to life. We are going through something very overwhelming right now, something I can't even discuss, but I CAN say that I HAVE to have the right perspective. So, back to my analogy...I am going to be a team player with my amazing husband, and as the ball comes to me, catch it with all confidence b/c it's simply my job to be obedient to my coach who also happens to be the umpire, an ALMIGHTY one at that, and hear him yell to Satan (the runner) "You're outta there!!!" As the fans (in our case, many prayer warriors) cheer for a happy outcome. Life, and the situation in front of us is by NO means a game, but the game here is the one Satan is wanting to play every minute in our minds, with our emotions and with our joy. So, if there is a "game" to be played, we already know the ending. With the umpire on our side, a team that only grows stronger each day and fans who are committed to the team, we will win!!! Not being able to go into detail of the situation, please allow me to say that I believe God is going to triumph here in the lives of all involved. Our situation is mild, in comparison to the pain others involved are feeling, but I see God working and KNOW He is not finished. With each game won, we're closer and closer to the play-off's and the finals....each game may become tougher (maybe not...we pray not) but no matter what, the reward is not a fake gold trophy this time, rather it is God receiving glory and drawing His children closer to Himself, as He provides healing and comfort to all involved. All I can say is (after all I've already said..HAHA)...is that your prayers are much needed for many people right now and I am trusting that God will lead you in the direction to pray, without having to know the exact circumstance. God is amazing that way....we are simply called to intercede for others, pray for His will to be done and trust He is always going to be faithful! Thanks for once again, allowing me to ramble. My hope today is that somehow through the craziness of this post, God will wrap His arms around YOU right now as I'm sure you can relate to the difficult things life brings. I am just grateful we serve the only TRUE God who adores His children!! Hope you have a blessed day!!

Here's another one of my twists on a life analogy...."When life hands you lemons, say EEEEEW! and the throw them at somebody!!" Don't ask..I know it doesn't make sense but it made my husband laugh. :)

This week while Jeff is away I have one of our students staying here. She is so amazing and has so many questions and thoughts about God. As a young person in this time, I have complete and utter respect and admiration for the kids who strive to stay strong in their faith, love the Lord and endure the temptations around them. Older people, even some parents of teenagers say that "they just have no idea about life." And, in many ways, this is very very true, simply because they haven't had the experiences we have, however, the reason Jeff and I still have a heart for them (excluding the obvious reason being that God has called us into the ministry and given us a passion for them) is that we see the struggle getting harder and harder with each generation. Being their age is NOT easy and I look at the fact that Jesus started his ministry as a "child" and was able to draw people to Himself and His Father. In our society, we don't give these kids enough credit and dismiss them b/c they're too young and just have no experience. If we would all think back to when we were their age, we might remember that our problems at the time (as "petty" or "insignificant" as they may seem to us now, knowing what we know) were very REAL and very DEEP to us. I have always said that we all have problems unique to us. Their problems are all they know and are HUGE to them. So, should we laugh it off, blow them off or roll our eyes and say "KIDS!!!" I don't believe so. We are doing them a huge injustice by not validating that their issues are real to them. Do we often, always...wish we could put in their heads and hearts what we know? Yes...but how does that help them grow and learn and even draw closer to God through seeing HIM work in their lives? OUR faith (as ministers, mentors, parents) is not their faith or relationship with God. When they leave the nest and venture out on their own, what is going to keep them "in check" is THEIR faith, and THEIR relationship with Him. Is it imperative for them to have Godly examples and people to point them to Christ and guide them in the right direction? Absolutely!! But, WE are not their Savior. Only He can show them more of Himself. So, I believe our job is to nurture, raise up and under gird them with lots ans lots of PRAYER. And..to believe God's Word and promise that if we raise a child up in Him, that even if they stray, they WILL come back to Him eventually. That's where, not being a parent myself, it sounds easy for me to SAY, right? But, I didn't say it...God did!! So, I believe it, whether I have personally experienced it or not. Our job is also to instill values, be an example of what Christ wants us to be, while letting them know that as humans, we are not perfect either, so they must not look to ANYONE but their Creator and Savior for the perfect example of living a life that pleases Him. One HUGE issue they deal with, is the church as a whole, Christians as a whole, being hypocritical. However, this cannot be an excuse for not following God and doing what is expected of us. We were created to worship Him, so anything we do short of that, is going to leave us empty and unfulfilled. As we know, being a Christian doesn't make our lives void of pain, heartache, trials and sickness...but we do have a hope others don't have. PRAISE GOD for that!! Unfortunately, the church as a whole, has gotten it all wrong. We think we are supposed to go to church on Sunday (and whatever other day of the week it may be for us) and be "fed" and expect God to bless us, serve us, speak to us and when WE don't get what WE want...we pout or get angry or complain. WE have misconstrued the purpose of corporate worship and fellowship. We are supposed to be growing daily with Christ, and coming together in a place (with US being the church) to BLESS and serve and lift up HIM...not the other way around. So, why do we leave church feeling frustrated and not "fed?" Because we went in with the wrong perspective, wrong reasons and wrong heart. If during the week we would be what He calls us to be and fall more and more in love with Him each day, we would look forward to going to "church" to worship with others (regardless of the style of music) and share what God has done in our lives ALLLLL week long. Then, we would leave fulfilled and blessed simply because God is AMAZING that way. Does He desire to bless us? You betcha!! Do we miss a lot of blessings out of our own selfishness, expectations of what HE or others should be doing for US? You betcha!! It's time, past time, for us to stop making excuses, stop wanting to be spoon fed and do what we were created to do, which is worship our Heavenly Father and Creator, and spread His love to others. Are we perfect? NOPE...is that an excuse to sin? NOPE....but being REAL people, no facades, no masks, no pretending...will draw others to Him more than trying to pretend we have it all together, have no problems as Christians or when we do have problems, telling people that if we had more faith we wouldn't have to deal with them. NOT TRUE!! As Jeff always says, "when God saved us, He never said we would hold hands and skip down the yellow brick road an everything would always be GREAT." where is the joy in getting to see God and intimately KNOW Him if we don't struggle?? What's the point in faith and reliance on the one true God who is Almighty? There wouldn't be any. I would rather struggle and see God as I do, KNOW I have hope and that one day, I am going to spend eternity with my CREATOR!! Wow!! Just the thought amazes me. People who don't believe can try and dispute with me that God isn't real, or that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell, etc. But, you can't dispute with anyone their own personal experience, and I have mine. Also, GOD is GOD and can do whatever He chooses. WE, as humans decided to go our own way, and He could have given up on us, but thankfully, mercifully, graciously, He still allows us to be able to come to Him. It's a choice like everything else in life. If we were made or forced to love Him, is that really love? I think not. But, once we make a choice to follow Him, our life is no longer our own. We belong to Him and it's a COMMITMENT to follow even in the midst of turmoil. Do I even consider baling on my relationship with Him? What if He did that to me when I failed? I choose to serve a God who is all powerful, all knowing and REAL! Hope you do too!! Also, hope you made it through to the end of this, simply because none of this was meant to be "preachy" or "guilt-inflicting." Rather....and hopefully, thought invoking. Thanks for following.....have a blessed day!!! :)

My sweet husband is only an hour away at SummerSalt Camp with some of our students but I miss him already. I actually drove some of the girls there yesterday afternoon so I saw him only 24 hours ago but sadly, I miss him so much already. We have never done well apart. After being together almost 17 years, we still are used to talking to each other several times a day just to say "hey" or " I love you" or most often "i miss you." May sound sappy or cheesy to you, but I consider myself blessed to be married to my very best friend! :) So, at camp, not only do they stay really busy and have different sessions day and night, but he doesn't have a cell phone signal except in maybe one little place outside. I HATE that I can't just call to say hi and get in touch when i want too. Seperation anxiety? yeah, I guess so but it's always been this way. I have also always had someone stay with me when he's gone. Usually, one of our sweet girls from the youth group. Mary Margaret, Olivia and Amber spent MANY nights with me in Mullins. This week, one of our girls is staying too. It's comforting to have someone else here and last night we had some great talks about God and other stuff too :) She is very helpful and as I am still struggling with my health, I am thankful for her being here. I adore her and her heart!!!! Today, I am going to sleep and rest. Don't feel very well today....my pain level is pretty severe lately and the SC heat doesn't help. HEAT and KIM don't do well together..so why have I always lived in SC? UM.......I guess God wants me here....I'd love to be in the mountains.....but have the life I have here. Since that's not possible, I'll just endure the heat. Gonna sit outside with Chaco and Peppy later and let them play. Hope you all have a wonderful, beautiful day!! Please pray for safety for my sweet jeffrey and the students at camp. :)

Those of you who watched or watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" may understand my title....I have been feeling sorry for myself all night. Ya see, I have major issues and have forever with my self-esteem and the fact that I have gained so much weight over the years of illness and depression. Regardless of why it happened, it DID! I have never really shown the people who have only known me at this size, pics of me during my younger and skinny days...Until tonight. Mine and Jeff's 15 year Anniversary is tomorrow and I wanted to do something special for him. We have no money, it's the beginning of a youth minister's very busy summer and so we will celebrate later. BUT, i did find out tonight that Jeff is taking the next two days off....YAY!!! I felt like a little kid when I found out. I am just excited to spend time with my sweetheart!! We need it!! Back to the story....SO, haha, sorry..SO, I made a video slideshow presentation to take to church tonight and show to him in front of the kids and few adults who were there. I had reservations even as I posted pics on Facebook of my highschool years, that people were going to see my skinny days and comment. But, I did it anyway...for those of you who really know me, you KNOW what a HUGE step that was for me.....but I did it!! As I showed the video, I was just thinking about how happy Jeff has made me and how truly blessed we are that we have made it through more than what most people go through in a lifetime already. Then, afterwards, I heard comment like "You WERE hot" ( i know it was meant to be a compliment but it was a reminder that I'm certainly not now) and then from an adult who just met me, something like..."I have always said, and your presentation is proof, that when we are younger, we had outer beauty and as we grow older, it's our inner beauty that matters...thank goodness we still have that, right?" Again, I GET that it was meant to be a comlpliment about my beautiful inside but WOW!!! I just said "thanks" and my heart cried!! My fears of people seeing what I used to look like, and seeing me now (having the comparison) I feel changed their views about me, physically. I KNOW I am bigger, not as pretty and HOT....never really was but anyway...it's certainly gotten worse. :) However, I was reminded by family and friends who love me NO MATTER WHAT MY SIZE or appearance...and by my precious husband who thinks I am more beautiful today than I ever was...that it's really OKAY. Some of you are thinking, "man, she must be shallow" I truly am not...just have always been insecure for whatever reason and after all I've been through for the past 17 years, just wish I could say I'm more beautiful with age. but, life has not been kind to me, literally, and life takes its toll. Tonight, though, my friend JoAnn told me to "dig deep", b/c she truly KNOWS what a struggle this really is for me...and to "grab hold of whatever I have too, to believe the truth and forget what anyone said....to use everything in me to get past it" and she said " I KNOW you can!!!".....I did....also, I was reminded of an episode of Raymond where Mr. Frank Barone says, "Get off your pity pot nancy" to the boys.....and decided to get off of mine. I have too much to be thankful for. Just life itself..that I am HERE, fighting physically but HERE and my family, friends, animals and our sweet kids at church love me. I refuse to let satan take any hold and bring me down (no, I'm not being Spencer and Heidi from "Get me out of here...I'm a celebrity" I am being ME and being REAL. I have a God who adores His creation and as His child, I can recieve the hope I need so greatly right now and know I am beautifully and wonderfully made...........we alllll are!!!! I haven't decided if I'm going to post the video on Facebook or not...that's still up in the air. But, seriously, after some of the comments my friends and family have made tonight in my defense.....BEWARE to anyone who dares to write anything remotely negative. :) Just sayin' Night guys!!! It's almost my anniversary!!:0)

Yep...that's the best way to describe my hair right now. I was trying to save money and so I called my hairdresser Lila, and told her I would still come Thursday for a haircut, but was going to color my VERY GREY hair on my own this time to save some money....BAD, BAD, BAD idea!! So, I went and bought what I THOUGHT was "natural medium brown" (what she said to get) but aciidentally bought "natural medium MAHOGANY brown" which means EVERY strand of grey picks up the base color which was RED!! I put the color on, noticed it was pink, and as I was cutting a friend's hair here at the house, kept commenting on how pink the color was and then, looking in the mirror as it was sitting, realized it was turning red. Just thought and even said "aw, it'll be alright" I have colored many of my friend's hair and my own in the past. If Mary Margaret or Olivia are reading this, they know the many color "blunders" we've had before....but usually, in the past I have intentionally colored my hair red or blonde...whatever I felt like. But, since I have started with the premature greying, I have always let Lila color it when she cuts it.....just easier. Needless to say, I called Lila, after washing my hair for 30 minutes, 15 times.....after my friend here laughed at me :) and Lila said "yeah, if you would've just used brown, you'd have been fine, but I can fix it." But, I have to wait until Thursday. She is booked solid and if it were an emergency, I know she'd come to my house if she could.....but since I am home now anyway, not feeling well, I need to let it sit for a few days and condition too....(IT FEELS LIKE STRAW) :) ..... NO pictures are being posted so don't even ask. Jeff called and when I told him, he laughed.... A LOT and said "you've done worse" to which my response was.... "to Mary Margaret and Olivia." HAHA!! Anyway, I'll stick to just cutting others hair and leaving my own alone!!!! Don't let this discourage all of the grey-haired people out there from coloring your hair at home....just buy the right color.

SO, haha, I went to doctor's care yesterday, because as you know if you've been reading, I have no family doctor here anymore. Apparently, I am too hard to work with. :) I have had a sore throat for days, so I went to make sure it wasn't strep. IT WASN'T....so, yay!! What is up with the "so?" I don't know...hey that rhymed...I need more sleep. For those of you who know me well, this is my normal unfortunately....silly, crazy, corny!! Anyway, so, like, I was, like, sick and like, (I'll stop) and got to the doctor yesterday at 8:00. Saw the doctor, had strep test done and had prescriptions written and was out in 30 minutes. NOW, that's the way to go!!! As long as I have my doctor I see every month in Atlanta anyway, who is monitoring my blood work, insulin, vitamin D, labs, etc.....I just need to walk in to Doctor's care and not deal with RUDE, incompetent, indulgent (that word....my name is Simon Cowell) "doctors" anyway. If I heard one more time that I need to just lose weight!!! Whereas, my dr. in Atlanta said there is NO way I could have lost any (could have told her that for the past few years) no matter what I would have done (and did do) because my body and cells are in such bad shape. Until I get better....bring on the ice cream....j/k...not really, well, kinda...no, j/k, I DO like ice cream (HAHA sorry I'm so random and all over the place today but do any of you watch SNL? I can so imitate the "Just kiddin" lady, love it).........SO, I am home in bed AGAIN, feeling really yucky, achy and puny....it's either viral or an infection. Either way, it may take me a while to get over. Part of havinig an immune deficiency illness and compromised immune system after going through detoxing treatments, Hopefully, only a week or so.....possibly more. PLEASE pray that I will feel much better soon. Have a lot going on this summer with the youth and Jeff could use my help. Doesn't HAVE to have it, I know...but I WANT and desire to help and be a part of all that goes on. Jeff and I, even though people don't recognize this especially at our current church b/c I have been so sick so much, are in this together. Always have been. I am also a big part of the ministry simply because God has put the desire in MY heart too.....we were BOTH called to be in ministry. Even during my Chidren's Ministry days, Jeff was a huge part of that and I was still a big part of the youth ministry. I may have been as physically involved as I would have liked recently, but for all of the minister's wives (or husbands) out there...I KNOW what you do. I appreciate you too!!! Your support and strength mean a lot to your spouse. God doesn't call ONE person in a marriage to anything.....I truly believe when we become ONE, He calls us both!!! I pray I feel better soon, and can be a part of the summer...and actually ENJOY it for the first time in a long time. :) (Wow...did I just get on a soap box?.....I'm off now, I promise) LOL

So, (why do I start blogs with so....idk) anyway, lol, I haven't blogged for a few days and wanted to write out some thoughts. I will probably never truly understand why we struggle so much in life, some more than others and why it doesn't seem the problems are dealt according to who "deserves" them. But, I do know that because we, as a sinful people, created to worship HIM alone, decide to go our own way, that life is just that...life....it has its ups and downs, troubles, sorrows AND joys!!!! It just is what it is and without the "downs" our "ups" wouldn't be so great!! I also know that to wish my trials to just go away IF it's not His will for my life, is robbing me of what He wants to show me and how He wants to grow me. We serve a GOD who adores us, sent His Son (being God Himself) to live on earth so that He COULD RELATE to what we deal with, and then laid down His life. Whether you believe it or not, I do, and this is my blog so, there you go!! :) LOL He was fully human yet fully God (and since He's God, HE can do that) and so I KNOW that all we suffer, He understands. You may say, well, did Jesus really deal with death, sickness, temptation, pain, hurt, sorrow, loss........YES HE DID! Do we know if he Himself was ever sick? No...but we Do know He saw extreme illness and healed (still does) and went through death HIMSELF, one more horrible than our human minds could even fathom. SO...(here we go again with the "so") :0) I choose to believe, not only because of my faith in Him, but because of my very personal relationship with Him, that He is still in control. Even tonight, as I try to figure out why some of my precious friends and family are suffering from mental illnesses, have just suffered loss and are hurting so badly, I realize, just as I type, that I don't have to "understand" WHY...because I know WHO is holding them. That's all the answer I need right now. I pray that HE will reveal Himself to them, and each of you, in a way only He can right now. As I am still going through a life-long illness of my own, and struggle daily with numerous things, I am more concerned for those I see hurting around me. I can't imagine (although as strange as it sounds I wish I could imagine) what it feels like for a parent to see their child suffer, but I DO know what it feels like to bear the burdens of others. This is something God has given me as a gift and sometimes what feels like a curse..only because it hurts so much. Please don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for the world b/c it enables me to pray in a different way for others, and I only hurt so deeply because I LOVE so deeply. As I may have said in a previous blog, forgive me if I repeat myself...my husband has told me many times during the loss of people (relatives and friends, babies) and our precious animals, that my grieving seems and is so DEEP because when I love, I love with EVERYTHING in me....there is no middle ground for me. So, I have to take the hurt if I want to be all God has truly created me to be. Once again, as I ramble, my point is that He feels our pain as we feel it too. I know how much I hurt for others, but I can't even imagine how much it pains our Creator (our Father) as He sees us cry, grieve, mourn and wail many times. The bible says he "bottles up every tear." (Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book) How amazing is that? We don't have a Heavenly Father who doesn't FEEL our pains with us. We have a loving God who sees every tear as real. As we cry in pain and suffering, he is right beside His children. THAT IS A COMFORT beyond compare for me!!! I'm not sure what all of this blogging means to you as you read but my prayer is that no matter what you are dealing with right now, that if you are a child of God, a believer in Christ, that YOU have HOPE!! If you are reading and don't believe all of this, my prayer for you is that you will one day soon, see that He is the only way. Life CAN be lived without Him....but since we were created to love Him and know Him, there will always be a void...deep down, that only He can fill. As I lift up so many tonight, I am thankful I KNOW He hears my prayers!!! Thank you Lord for being faithful!!!!

Of course, I am never "hot" but you know what I meant....have never been "hot" even during my skinny days, but granted..much more so than now. Can't do anything about the weight until I am better anyway...beside the point...LOL...I am still in bed today and will probably just stay here because I feel bad today. The past two days have been tough, but yesterday went well. First, thank you for all of the prayers.!!!! So many of you emailed, etc yesterday and I know your prayers and God's faithfulness carried me through yesterday morning. I enjoy singing more than I can even express and don't get to do it often. I am proud of the band, and the students who are so talented!! I am simply a "back-up singer" but my heart is FULL of the desire to lead in worship and that's all I want to do..to be used somehow to help bring others into worship!! Our grads did great, I was a mess...I mean a sweaty mess after being there early (really early for me and after having NO sleep, but I wanted soooo badly to be there), helping line up and organize seniors, running back and forth with that and singing the entire service...I DID however enjoy sitting and listening to my sweet Jeff preach an amazing sermon and charge to the graduates. I am glad and more than overwhelmed that I was able to go, on my own, no wheelchair, was extremely mobile like "normal" people. It was, in my eyes because only I truly KNOW what I've been through and how bad I have felt......a MIRACLE!! So, thanks for the prayers, and thank you God, for the srtength. I am sorry for not being able to talk to anyone really yesterday and having to "rush around" to get it all done, so I hope people will forgive me. Plus, I was dealing with something that had just happened personally so I am really sorry. It's kinda not the way I expected my second Sunday morning church outing to be after MONTHS, but I know I did what was neccesary. Just wish I wouldn't have appeared "rude" and if I did...please forgive me, those of you who were there. In my body and mind, since my mind doesn't work well for good reason and my body has to keep going or I'll FALL OUT........I had to just stay focused....now, I am IN THE BED for a few days. Thats okay. It's not really just yesterday that put me here...dealing with some other stuff and just know I NEED to rest....we must ALL listen to our own bodies. Sick or not!! Have a blessed and beautiful day today!!!!