Ranting, Raving and Renewing

Those of you who watched or watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" may understand my title....I have been feeling sorry for myself all night. Ya see, I have major issues and have forever with my self-esteem and the fact that I have gained so much weight over the years of illness and depression. Regardless of why it happened, it DID! I have never really shown the people who have only known me at this size, pics of me during my younger and skinny days...Until tonight. Mine and Jeff's 15 year Anniversary is tomorrow and I wanted to do something special for him. We have no money, it's the beginning of a youth minister's very busy summer and so we will celebrate later. BUT, i did find out tonight that Jeff is taking the next two days off....YAY!!! I felt like a little kid when I found out. I am just excited to spend time with my sweetheart!! We need it!! Back to the story....SO, haha, sorry..SO, I made a video slideshow presentation to take to church tonight and show to him in front of the kids and few adults who were there. I had reservations even as I posted pics on Facebook of my highschool years, that people were going to see my skinny days and comment. But, I did it anyway...for those of you who really know me, you KNOW what a HUGE step that was for me.....but I did it!! As I showed the video, I was just thinking about how happy Jeff has made me and how truly blessed we are that we have made it through more than what most people go through in a lifetime already. Then, afterwards, I heard comment like "You WERE hot" ( i know it was meant to be a compliment but it was a reminder that I'm certainly not now) and then from an adult who just met me, something like..."I have always said, and your presentation is proof, that when we are younger, we had outer beauty and as we grow older, it's our inner beauty that matters...thank goodness we still have that, right?" Again, I GET that it was meant to be a comlpliment about my beautiful inside but WOW!!! I just said "thanks" and my heart cried!! My fears of people seeing what I used to look like, and seeing me now (having the comparison) I feel changed their views about me, physically. I KNOW I am bigger, not as pretty and HOT....never really was but anyway...it's certainly gotten worse. :) However, I was reminded by family and friends who love me NO MATTER WHAT MY SIZE or appearance...and by my precious husband who thinks I am more beautiful today than I ever was...that it's really OKAY. Some of you are thinking, "man, she must be shallow" I truly am not...just have always been insecure for whatever reason and after all I've been through for the past 17 years, just wish I could say I'm more beautiful with age. but, life has not been kind to me, literally, and life takes its toll. Tonight, though, my friend JoAnn told me to "dig deep", b/c she truly KNOWS what a struggle this really is for me...and to "grab hold of whatever I have too, to believe the truth and forget what anyone said....to use everything in me to get past it" and she said " I KNOW you can!!!".....I did....also, I was reminded of an episode of Raymond where Mr. Frank Barone says, "Get off your pity pot nancy" to the boys.....and decided to get off of mine. I have too much to be thankful for. Just life itself..that I am HERE, fighting physically but HERE and my family, friends, animals and our sweet kids at church love me. I refuse to let satan take any hold and bring me down (no, I'm not being Spencer and Heidi from "Get me out of here...I'm a celebrity" I am being ME and being REAL. I have a God who adores His creation and as His child, I can recieve the hope I need so greatly right now and know I am beautifully and wonderfully made...........we alllll are!!!! I haven't decided if I'm going to post the video on Facebook or not...that's still up in the air. But, seriously, after some of the comments my friends and family have made tonight in my defense.....BEWARE to anyone who dares to write anything remotely negative. :) Just sayin' Night guys!!! It's almost my anniversary!!:0)