Ranting, Raving and Renewing

I absolutely hate when I just LAY in the bed, eyes closed, not even really thinking (HAHA...no comments from the peanut gallery.....peanut gallery? have I ever even used that term? lol I AM sleep deprived) and know I need to be up in a couple of hours anyway, so the dilemma becomes "I know my body and 2-3 hours is NOT enough, therefore, I WON'T be able to get up" or "Maybe this ONE time will be the time when it will be enough and I NEED it so i won't just fall out later...in church at that!!" Well, you can see for yourself, my decision. I didn't sleep even ONE minute. I took my meds, sleep aids, etc, but all I can figure as to why I couldn't sleep (regular part of this horrible illness aside) is that after a week of terrible sleep and finally having my sleep aid back Friday night, I slept until 12 pm yesterday....and that was too much. I mean, having this illness, well, many of them...lol....I know that sleep (GOOD sleep) and rest is crucial so when I CAN sleep, I DO!! That's what I've been told to do, it's what I've seen work and so I'm trying to learn not to feel guilty about it. I truly believe, however, that my body is healing itself and I am going to have to learn a new way of doing things.(That's a PRAISE people...put your hands in the air...LOL) Such as, getting up a little earlier even if I feel like staying in the bed, napping if I can't keep my eyes open during the day and not overdoing it no matter HOW "good" I feel at any given moment. I am FAR from being well and the tendency we (chronically ill people) have to do is the same thing "normal" people do when they start "feeling" like they are getting over the flu, a virus, infection,etc. and they go out, do too much and pay for it for a couple more days. For me, it's not a couple of days, rather a couple of weeks of setbacks. So, I am going to listen to my body and just try a couple of things. For today, this will be only the second time I have been to a Sunday morning service since Christmas. My first was Easter and I didn't do so well. I am feeling a little better overall the past few days, than I was then, so maybe today will be better (disregarding the lack of sleep.) I am just praying that's the case because it is Graduate Sunday and I will be lining up and organizing the Seniors, then singing with our Youth Praise Band as they lead worship. We are playing about 6 songs, recognizing grads, Jeff is preaching and a song at the end. SO, I PRAY I MAKE IT!! This is what I WANT to do and am excited about being there. I actually have missed the past few years of Graduate services due to this or the bi-polar or something as "simple" as the flu or stomach virus that lasted me weeks. I have only been to church 3 Wednesday nights in 6 months (WOW.....going on 6 now, unbelievable) and 2 Sunday nights, and those have been just in the past month and a half. THANK GOD for my dear friend and co-leader for our 10th and 11th grade girls small group on Sunday nights. She has been amazing with the girls and the girls.....Oh my goodness, I can't tell you what an inspiration they are to me! Of course, I'm sure I have, many times. :) I have missed them deeeeeeeeply but was with them for the last meeting 2 weeks ago. We start back in mid-June and I am praying I will have reached a level of energy, stamina and pain relief by then, that I can be there regularly. This, as I have stated many many many times, is where my heart is. God always gives me what I need when I am able to be there and blesses my heart. I KNOW He will do this again today. We sang last night in a wedding and after Jeff sang "You Raise Me Up" which needless to say, was GORGEOUS...we sang Celine Dion's "The Prayer." For those of you who sing, you know how much breath support is required for "simple" songs and this one required a LOT....no breaks for me. I was scared before we left, because a HUGE part of my health issue right now is the breathing which comes from the thickness of my blood, keeping oxygen from being released into any of my cells, slowing down my breathing and keeping me from having the energy to even stand most of the time. BUT, God got me through that and I believe with all of my heart, He will do the same this morning. Even though I only sing back-up with the band, I POUR my heart and soul into it and enjoy praising God with everything in me....so, it physically wears me out!!! This is where my SUSTAINER comes in and YOUR prayers. Not many of you will see this before 9:30 but if you do....please just lift us all up!! Lift up the service, those who may not "enjoy" this type of music (pray that as they see the powerful words on the screen, that God will touch their heart in unbelievable ways), pray for Jeff as he decided to preach the service before he knew our band was also going to play. His plate is FULL today, but who better to speak at the grad service than my sweet husband and the amazing youth pastor who has made a HUGE impact on these precious young lives? I can't think of anyone better to preach or sing today!! :0) Can you tell I love him? I hope so!! Have a beautiful, blessed Sunday. no matter where you are this morning for worship..at home, at church, on vacation....ALLOW it to be worship and let God love on you. I pray He will show you more of Himself no matter where you are!!! He's amazing that way!!!!! Until next time......KEEP PRAISING HIM!!!! He is more than worthy!!!

So, I have been waiting for my natural sleep aid to come via UPS for FOREVER it seems like, Maybe it only seems that way because I haven't slept well for a week. Whether it had been less than an hour a night (and interrupted at that) or even 13 hours a night, I wake up feeling even more miserable than when I actually laid my head down on the pillow to try to sleep. I still take my prescription medication but the new stuff the doctor in Atlanta gave me, had been a miracle. I usually sleep but dream all night, mostly nightmares, and always awake feeling horribly unrested. My sleep aid is scheduled to come today and it better!! I need some rest and poor Jeff needs to me to get some rest. We are singing in a wedding tomorrow and our youth praise band is leading worship Sunday morning for our graduate servive, which Jeff is also preaching. I am excited because I LOVE to sing for the Lord and lead worship....there are three things in this world that make my heart smile and literally feel "FULL." The first is singing for my Savior and seeing people moved by His Spirit through music, the second is little children (well, not even "little" because Mackenzie, my friends 12 yr. old has my heart and so do our "kids" at church..they're not little ones anymore) and the third...you can all guess...my babies. Last night in our queen-sized bed, Jeff was faling asleep on his side (alone) while I had sweet Peppy wrapped in my right arm, scratching his belly... Chaco between Jeff and I am wrapped in my left arm, and Toonces, the cat, on my chest. I was squooshed but OVERWHELMED with joy and contentment!! If I could have just been singing and had my nephew, Chris, maybe Kenzie and a few of our "kids" at church to talk too and make me laugh, lif would have been PERFECT for a little while. LOL...so, anyway, gotta blog on my other site tomorrow about what all I've learned lately so hopefully others struggling with fibro and other illnesses can get help and some hope too. I have had a HIGE response to both this blog and the other and an overwhelmed that some of you are being encouraged through the life of a sick, sometimes pitiful lady!!!! But, that was my prayer and we know how God works....so, I shouldn't be surprised!! Until next time, love on your kids, animals, spouses and sing even if you can't carry a tune...just do it in the car or at home alone okay???? LOL......"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" and don't be ashamed!!!! <3

The new blog for those suffering from chronic, debilitating and misunderstood illnesses is here..please pass it on and pray it will be used to encourage others and draw them closer to healing, even healing of the mind.....and to draw or intoduce them to our Mighty Savior!! Ready for people to experience Hope and Healing so here it is......
www.hopeandhealing-kimmie.blogspot.com

I think I may start a new blog for people who suffer from misunderstood illnesses. I have recently found out so much that I never knew about Fibro and CFS all of these years. I have researched so very much and been to at least 25 doctors over the years and cannot believe I didn't know what I now know. I have dealt with this for what really 20 years.....17 diagnosed. So, in an attempt to help ANYONE out there, but to keep from boring those of you who read this blog with too many medical details, I am going to set up an additional site and post all of the findings the doctor discovered at the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center in Atlanta. THERE is HOPE, there is HELP and if those who are struggling can't make it to the centers across the world, there are some things I may can share to help. So, I will work on it soon. If you know anyone who suffers from this very real disease, and I'm sure statistically you all do, please pass it along. I will keep you informed through this blog site and then you can pass the info along. I am convinced I can't keep what I have learned to myself....I have been allowed to endure all I have in my life for a reason. I still believe that!! So, I am hoping maybe someone else can be helped and hopefully encouraged also. Thanks again for reading.....sign up to follow me if you don't mind so I can keep up with who's reading (many of you tell me through emails you are following and have even tried to post but couldn't for some reason) I also want to be lifting you up daily too!!! <3

The day didn't start well so I went back to bed, gladly and woke up hours later still in a very bad mood. I know my blooodwork proved what I knew...that I can't handle any amount of stress, but the past couple of days I have been a basket-case. How do you completely destress your life? MY life shouldn't be that hard to destress considering I don't have a daily job, sleep a lot right now...but the daily stress of trying to turn over Avon customers to someone else, bills that need to be paid, a house that needs cleaning, clothes that need to be washed, dogs that need to go out, and a phone that won't stop ringing or emails or messages of someone wanting me for something (even something simple) is KILLING me. I am not able to take care of myself most of the time, let alone anyone else. I am able mostly to deal with the dogs, who are used to the pattern of resting with me all day, and Jeff does all he can, considering he has a FULL time (beyond that) job that keeps him so very busy. Life is just hard at times and my body is unable to deal. So, the home phone is unplugged, my cell is off, i am not going to be on the computer....and I need to rest, rest, rest!!! For those of you who may be thinking, "WOW, she couldn't handle MY life" .... maybe not, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I have during many times in my life, worked three jobs at a time, including Children's Minister, helping run an antique store and interior decoarting on the side. I have always been given what I needed for the times in my life I was called to do certain things, BUT right now....God is caling me to GET WELL....take doctors orders, recuperate from 20 years of an illness that WAS killing me. And, so I refuse to feel guilty (convincing myself it's okay) for taking care of Kim for once. I love my family and friends but know if I am not well and don't take care of myself, I won't be here to love anyone. Some people around me, once again, who don't really seem to be concerned for me b/c I guess MY illness has never seemed that severe to them (shows how much they've really been around or involved) may think all of this is exaggerated but I know I don't have to convince most of you reading this, that this is real. Whether or not you "get it" is irrelevant to me...just the fact that you have asked how I am, what the dr has said, how you can help and constantly remind me that you are praying for me and thinking of me, means more than you'll ever know. :) Please just pray for peace, quiet and calm right now.....

Okay, I guess you figured I already blogged once today but I feel very led to ask for prayers for a precious friend of mine who is suffering from a very debilitating illness. One I am all too familiar with but that God released me from after 15 really hard years. I would never betray my friends confidence but feel that the more prayers that go up for "Bob" the better. (Great, creative code name I know) :) I believe and KNOW God isn't finished with my amazing friend although it feels like that to them right now. I am begging (although I know with all who read this, i won't need to beg) that you will take a moment to get on your knees, or even during your busy day, sitting in the car, walking to a meeting, walking to class, whatever and wherever it may be.....please take a moment to sincerely lift a servant of the Lord up to His throne. Ask for wisdom from doctors, which we haven't received for months, direction and willingness to do whatever is necessary to get better. I KNOW God is in the healing business first hand, but also knowing He doesn't always choose to do it the way He did with me, I believe he CAN use and sanctify the RIGHT medication, bring peace and restore happiness to His child!! This is a crucial time, so on our friends behalf, I employ you to LIFT THEM UP today in hopes they will feel God's presence in a way like never before and receive some hope. Thanks all!!!!!!! Remember, we serve a MIGHTY and AWESOME God who hears our prayers and answers according to HIS will...but He still asks us to obediently pray and intercede on the behalf of others, especially when they are unable to pray for themselves.

And I don't mean my car!! Although that I wouldn't mind THAT so much right now, unless of course I had "putt, putt, putted" into the gas station, and as I was slooooooooowly rolling in, 3 men had to help me make it to the pump. Now that would be, well WAS embarrassing. LOL Worse, more embarrassing things have happened.....Since I digressed after the first sentence of this post, let me get back on track. :) I am still waiting on my natural sleep aid to come in the mail, and with it being a holiday and weekend the past 3 days, I may not have it until the end of the week. I meant to get it at the Center in Atlanta Thursday and what do ya know? However, we had JUST established through my bloodwork (PROOF) that there's a reason I can watch a movie one weekend in the theater and then when it comes out on DVD, PROMISE I have NOT seen it, all the way til the end. And, nope, still don't remember. I may even comment "That was an AWESOME movie." Jeff and my friends (who've always thought I was dingy) just laugh at me. This CAN come in handy if it's a really good movie! LOL..Have to laugh about it and look on the bright side. Anyway, brain function, uh, not so much right now, so is it crazy that I forgot my pills? NOT FOR ME!!I didn't sleep hardly at all Thursday night after returning home from Atlanta, slept 10 hrs Friday and Saturday nights (and still felt like I hadn't slept) and 13 whopping hours Sunday night, only to have a terrible day yesterday. SO, since I was up all but about an hour last night, I am going to try to sleep all day. So, somebody call the doggies and threaten them if they wake me up!! (no, don't call.....it'll wake me up, sorry) Not being pessimistic, just realistic that today will not be a pain-free, restful, restoring day because WE are SUPPOSED to sleep at night, therefore, so do doggies, and other people that like to ring the doorbell and call. So, hey my brain is working for once....the ringers are OFF and I'm gonna tape a sign over the doorbell that says....."I will CUT you!" and sign it "Bon Qui Qui" I mean, who would mess with her?? LOL j/k....I'll be nice!! Anyway, prayers going up today would be much appreciated. GOOD sleep is crucial in the recovery process. Again, I must say, thank you to all of you who have been asking how you can help and even wanted details of what the doctor said. Unfortunately, as I've only told a few people, some don't even care to listen......I don't take it personally anymore b/c those people have never really known much about my health issues or cared enough to hear it all. I agree, it's a lot to take in, but when we truly want to know how to pray for someone, a few minutes of undivided attention and actually looking at someone as they speak to you, shouldn't be too difficult. I will just be more selective in who I choose to divuldge info too. (Even if they're people I think should be concerned) WOW......there went another "rant." Can't say the title of my blog didn't clue you in that it could possibly happen. Okay, blogger land.....night night for me I hope.....need to rest up in hopes to go to church tomorrow night and to sing in a wedding Saturday. May seem far away to a normal person, but not to my abnormal and stubborn body!!! Hope all reading have a BLESSED and amazing day!!!!!!

I don't feel well already today. Woke up around 10:30 for good and am in tremendous pain again. Stiff, hurting, weak, fatigued and overall.....pretty NASTY!!! But, we knew this was a possibility. Again, after seeing the doctor yesterday and the amazing amounts of blood test results, we realized it has been more than half of my life that I have been building up toxins in my cells and body and it is going to be a loooong haul to get better. So, for now, I am having to concentrate ONLY on my health, my well-being and realizing that I can't worry about letting people down or not being what others expect me to be. I also must let go of the "anger" and "frustration" I feel for the many many many doctors who have "blown me off" or said "you JUST need to lose weight" or "you're just depressed." It is beyond disheartening but IS in the past. time to look forward!!! We believe this decision to go to Atlanta, saved my life literally. I can't say enough how much I look forward to being a "normal" person. I don't KNOW what that feels like. I have pushed through pain and "miserableness" for YEARS. When people have seen me at MY best, and I've seemed okay....that WAS my "good" but again, I haven't had even ONE really good ALLLLLL day for at least 17 years, and assumed that WAS "good." No doctor would validate what I had so I must be "okay" right? WRONG! :) Watch out world when I do feel better!!! I realize as I look back on my life, that the things I HAVE been able to accomplish (because of God alone) have been a miracle!! God always gave me what I needed and has given me a tremendous support system with my sweet husband, family and friends! I have many times, felt like I was "crazy" or "needed to suck it up" or maybe I was just a "wimp." Yet, somehow, I also always knew I was sick, even felt like I was dying slowly (I was!!) and KNEW what I felt was real. Just figured I had to push through the pain, fatigue, fears, frustration and hurt. So, I look forward to the same moment pain and fatigue wise, as the day the bi-polar was GONE and I didn't remember how life felt without being "clouded over" by the depression. One day , I will actually wake up and say "I feel different" and that "different" will be "healthy." :) I KNOW all of the prayers that have been going up for me, have led me to where I am right now. So many people who have never even met me, haven't seen me for YEARS or have just heard what I'm going through, have been faithfully praying. I BELIEVE in that power!!!! Thanks again for following and for all of the encouraging words on my twitter, facebook, through texts and emails. Love you guys!!!!

As I sit here with an IV in my arm waiting for another infusion at the Fibro Center in Atlanta, I am absolutely in awe! The doctor went over an hour and a half of about 40 blood tests with us. I now have medical proof for the reason behind the inability to handle stress, the fatique, inability to lose weight, complete ditziness (LOL) well....brain dysfunction, cognitive problems, breathing trouble, extreme pain, and even my miscarriages!! I am beyond encouraged because the dr is working to improve alllll of it!! Why do other doctors not believe people like me? I actually had my most recent/current general practicioner in Columbia send me a certified letter this week stating she was releasing me from their care and I needed to seek other medical care based on our "relationship." (not sure it's legal to turn someone away bc you just don't like them) but anyway, because of our last encounters there we were already seeking another local doctor. Our last visit, they saw me as hysterical, depressed and hard to deal with when in reality I was in tremendous pain, thus, the reason for the tears of pain and utter frustration. They also thought I didn 't have Fibro, but was just depressed and maybe even still bi-polar and shouldn't have come off the meds. Of course that upset me. Seriously, I am probably one of the easiest people to get along with but when I became proactive in my own health (which we have to be) and stated I disapproved of the way I was being treated, they release ("dismiss") me. For all of you who read this and are also dealing with the Fibro/ CFS/yeast issues/chronic pain/mental illnesses, KNOW there ARE people who validate and believe you! I know it may not seem like it after the horrible experiences we've all had with ignorant,uneducated and unprofessional doctors but.... We have an Almighty Physician and Savior who knows our every frustration and loves us dearly!! I have prayed for the past 5 years since my last miscarriage that if I was going to lose another baby that He would please not allow me to conceive. This may sound weird but after what we heard today I KNOW another baby wouldn't have survived if we'd have gotten pregnant again. There have been many years and months of disappointments but God was hearing my prayers. Does this mean in 6-9 months when i'm significantly better and able to try again that God will give us a baby? I have NO idea but for now, He just showed me He was protecting me, not being cruel!! So, as Jeff has been saying and the dr confirmed today, I need to stop worrying about the weight, bc it wouldn't come off now no matter what, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just concentrate on getting better!!!!! This may take another 6-9 months or more, but these people know what they're doing. I am only getting a half dose of the infusion since the others were too much too fast for me. So, she said I may still go through some more tough detox but i've been sooo sick for sooo long, it can't happen overnight!! Wish it would, but for now.....it's baby steps!!! I have been more sick than I ever even knew for almost 20 years. Since my highschool years with mono and i dont know what feeling "good" feels like. My "good" has been really not so good for more tham half of my life, but its all i knew. So, we are looking forward to the time whem i feel what healthy people feel on a normal basis. We found some things that could have easily caused a stroke or heart attack for me before the age of 40, so, once again, thank you Lord for leading us here! For all of my sick friends out there too! God is holding out hope to us! Believe it!! Claim it!!! Receive it!!! And.....keep fighting to survive so we can have OUR moment of LIVING the life He has for us. For now, whether it be laying in bed all day, being confined to home, having loved ones care for us or having tears stream down our cheeks....we still serve a mighty God who isn't finished with us! The days we feel we have no purpose are the days our purpose is to keep fighting!!! This applies to mo re than sick people. It is relevant to all who face adversity! We are becoming more reliant on a very reliable God, and becoming more like Him! Will we allow God to use us, love on us, wrap His arms around us and grow us? I hope so!!! I'm almost finished with this infusion and will have to wait to post this on my blog until we get home late tonight. Hoping the detox is over but if it happens again, just be patient as my "writing" may turn to "ranting." Thankfully, one day my mourning will turn to dancing!!! :)

I got up again at 9:30, early for me, to feed the bunnies, who are eating sooo much more and growing!! It takes about an hour and 15 minutes to feed them now, so I've stretched it out to every 3 hours.....I feed all five, three times. Like.....I feed purple for a few minutes, then red, orange, white and green....then start over and do it three times so they all get fed quickly, aren't starving and each get fed towards the last part too. I know, I'm silly but they are happy!!! Thanks to my sweet friend Beth, who gave me the chance to help them!! :) And, no...I do NOT have to get up during the night. Of course those of you dealing with fibro/CFS...etc, know that sleep is CRUCIAL!! So, they get water and pellets and broccoli at night. :) I went to eat with my husband and the church staff (which meant bathing and dressing MYSELF, walking and driving...HUGE....HUGE for me) and then to Wal-Mart and back home. I sat in the back yard which my husband and a friend just finished fencing in, with Chaco (our 10 month old golden retriever) and Peppy (our 10 year old shih-tzu) and five bunnies in a big tote on my lap...feeding them and twittering with the other hand. LOL.....AM I TIRED NOW?????? You better believe it but I am amazed at the two days I have had and what I have accomplished. Everyone is telling me to slow down..rest..and I GET that, I really do. And I'm gonna!! I promise...just seems the past two days have been non-stop. And I DO praise God after 5 loooooong months of feeling like I've been dying, for some GREAT moments of laughter and fun. So, tonight, Jeff is going to grill some pork chops on our new grill (After I go marinate them...ugh...it isn't ending is it?) AND I AM GONNA GO TO BED EARLY!!!!! Jeff may have to feed tonight..not much chance of that!! He's a gooooood man but I'm not sure he'll take quite the time and effort i will. Thanks for following y'all (If there's anyone reading...lol) If not, YOU GO GIRL!! That was to myself from myself!!!! My doctor appt in Atlanta is Thursday and I am more than likely going to have to go through many more treatments but we'll see. We're going to tell her EVERYTHING about my detoxing or non-detoxing experience and trust her judgement b/c we KNOW God has sent us there and this is ALLLLL she does for a living. Dealing with fibro and fatigue patients has to be exhausting. i just deal with myself and I'm worn out!! LOL

You know I went from being wheeled around in a wheelchair all day yesterday b/c I couldn't walk more than a couple of steps to getting up this morning at 9:30, feeding bunnies, taking care of doggies, getting ready ON MY OWN, feeding bunnies,going to in-laws for lunch, feeding bunnies, going to church with my girls small group for the FIRST time back since Christmas, feeding bunnies, coming home, eating supper, feeding bunnies and going to bed. Granted, with tears streaming down my face because of the pain level that I pushed through all day (so I KNEW it was inevitably going to be HORRIBLE tonight) I am so blessed to have been out today and surrounded by amazing students and people who love me and love GOD!!! All in all, I am gonna praise Him through the storm. I may need some reminding sometimes that He is still in control but tonight, even through the tears of pain, I rejoice. One of my small group girls said tonight when I said I finally feel I have a purpose feeding these helpless little bunnies, "Kimmie, you've always had a purpose and I can't even think of my life without you in it...it makes me so sad and makes me cry" (as we both cried) I LOVE MY GIRLS and am soooooo very proud of what God is doing in their lives. I know I know....their not really MY girls, but they sure do feel like it and I love 'em like my own!! Bunnies too! Told someone tonight, and I think they thought I was crazy...lol....like I've never gotten that before...HAHAHAHAHA......that I don't know why animals make me feel the way they do....but I don't have much distinction between people and animals. Yes, I realize people are more important but for whatever reason God gave me a HUUUUUGE heart for little animals. So, for now, I am content. HURTING, frustrated, exhausted...but my heart is full!!!! :) For all of you readers dealing with illnesses and frustrations of the life going on around you.....I am lifting you up and believing you and I will both soon JOIN that life, add more joy and happiness to it and APPRECIATE it like no one else can!! Gonna happen people...gonna happen. Hold on to that hope we are promised as Children of a LOVING God!!!!! He's holding you now!!!! Think I'm gonna write a book for those with chronic illnesses entitled, "It's okay to be down, as long as you can still look up." When you're in that pit.....look up and you WILL see some light. Even if it's dark, you can see a star, or a plane......that's light...LOL) Don't ever forget that!!

My friend Beth found 5 baby bunnies last week who had no mommy taking care of them. At first she thought they were little rats but soon realized they were...BUNNIES!! Wild ones of course but nonetheless, in need of help. Whether the mom went our to find food and never made it back, or simply abandoned them, we'll never know. She brought them over to the house tonight when she and her husband Michael came over, because right now they require being bottle fed every 2 hours. OH MY LORD!!!! I have never seen anything so precious in my life. Guess who has them now??? They each have different colored ears she painted to keep up with who was fed and who was who. She didn't name them in hopes of not being so attached. This is Jeff's fear that I will want to keep them all. But, I KNOW the best life for them is going to be for them to be released in a safe place. Beth left it open for us to have "joint custody" and for me to try it for a day and see if I'm up to it. She kept saying " i only brought them b/c I had too...not for you to take them" LOL She is a very close friend of mine but I guess never knew how very serious i was when i said I KNEW God was gonna put me in charge of animal Heaven when I die. :) SO, for now, until they must be released into a VERY safe and fun place, they must be nursed and cared for. It's amazing how I have gone from feeling I had no purpose, at least on a daily basis, to feeling there are 5 precious little lives depending on ME! Thank you Lord for the little "I love you, Kim" that you just sent in the form of"10 little ears, 20 tiny paws, 5 adorable twitchy noses and 10 pink lips!" I will post pics soon!!!! :)

I KNOW my God and I know He loves me.....some days, however, I have to ask why I have so many hopes, dreams, and desires deep in my heart, and I am still laying in bed.....with life going on around me. Don't get me wrong, I know life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will,but at the young age of 19, I was a vibrant young girl full of hopes and dreams that I thought would come true. I dreamed and planned on being a drama and english teacher, in some sort of music ministry, married and having beautiful healthy children. My life took a HUGE unexpected turn. Do I still believe God loves me, is in control, knows what He's doing and is intricately involved in EVERY aspect of my life? ABSOLUTELY!! I praise Him daily for giving me an amazing husband and a ministry to young people even though I haven't been able to be as involved as I would like to be. I still desire to be healthy, have a baby to love and raise in HIS ways, sing sing sing and minister to young people even more. I DO!! With every ounce of my being. Yet, I am still in the bed, daily! As Jeff and some friends are kayaking, I so want to be there. I know some of you completely understand. I have days when I feel "okay" about life and the future and then there are days like today....where I see it being so easy for others to have children, health, jobs, hobbies and just LIFE! I am happy for them and would never wish any harm or bad things to any of them. That is NOT my heart. I just want God to give me some hope!! I know He will as He always does. I also ache for friends who also struggle with illnesses and pain. While we may never understand why things happen or don't happen the way they do....did that make sense??...lol.....I DO understand we have a loving Heavenly Father who will not forsake us. Please pray that after 13 years of trying to have a baby, 16 years of wanting to be healthy and almost all of my life of desiring to just please God, that He will show me my place in this life and give me glimpses of the future He has for me. (I know you may be thinking that with my health, i shouldn't WANT a baby...that just isn't the case...or that I shouldn't have one BUT I believe God knows how deeply we desire this and He will give me alllll I need if He chooses to give us a little one.) I've been told by an ignorant person in the adoption profession that b/c of my past mental health issues, I wouldn't even be considered as an adoptable parent b/s there were so many amazing families available (as if we aren't one of those)....it was disheartening to hear and cruel on the persons part, but I know if this is an option, He will provide in that way also!!!! That's all for now...I guess I just needed to vent...rant...whatever!! LOL :)

I woke up around 3:15 and although I tried not to wake Jeff, he asked what I was doing awake. I said "Honey, I just have a lot on my mind...please go back to sleep and get some rest. I'll be fine." But, unlike many mornings if this happens, he rolled over, held me and said "Tell me what's on your mind sweetie." I felt so loved and relieved that my very best friend, knowing he had a long work day ahead (including gladly making all of my Avon deliveries), that he wanted to help me work through and talk through my issues. IT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME!! Would I love him any less if he had rolled back over and gone back to sleep? Absolutely not, but this morning God knew I needed Him and he gave Jeff what he needed to be here for me. (I pray He will give him above and beyond today all of the physical stamina, mental agility and calm since He was obedient in being what God wanted him to be for his bride.) Dealing with a chronic illness, requires talking through, what to some may be considered trivial things. It brings hard issues, insecurities and frustration unlike any other. On top of the physical ailments, I also deal with a severe anxiety disorder which keeps me from working a 9-5 or even scheduled job. Only those who deal with this would understand and quite frankly, it's not worth trying to convince anyone it's real. Jeff sees it first hand and most of my family and closest friends "get it" so that's enough for me. Let's just say, the mere IDEA of having to be at a job on days I absolutely can't, scares me to DEATH!! I have held down many many jobs in the past and my most rewarding was being a Children's Minister for 3 1/2 years at Mullins First Baptist Church. Now, I believe God is simply calling me to get better (THAT is my job right now), and to minister and spend time with the youth He has put in our lives. They lift my spirits and although I hope to be a blessing to them...they are ALWAYS a blessing to me. I adore kids and there is a special place in my heart for them (all ages) and for animals (all animals...well, not yucky roaches and flies....or snakes..lol) BUT.....still, ALL kids. Lately, we have seen a few youth rise up and allow the Lord to lead them to be servants even in our lives. One even gave all he had ($13) to us b/c he felt a calling to do so. God honors obedience and the hearts of these young people are ones to be admired, respected and learned from. I didn't feel well at all last night, but went to church anyway to see those sweet faces and embrace our precious youth! THEY are better than any medicine or vitamin!!! SO, I'll end this "novel" here for now. Just know that since being up so early, my day will more than likely hold more pain, fatique and anxiety...just going by experience, but no matter what it holds, I have been encouraged in the wee hours of the morning. Thank you AGAIN Lord!!!

Well, I don't know what to do with myself? Jeff gave me flowers the other day and yesterday,a van pulled up and a florist delivered a beautiful arrangement of white roses and pink carnations from Michael Hammond, a good friend from church. I NEVER get flowers, let alone THREE arrangements so I'm excited!!!! And my sister in law and neice brought a chicken pot pie for supper. On top of it all, God is working miraculously as I am beginning to feel human again and my husband has been sweeter than ever to me. Thank you Lord for some great moments and reminders of your love for me!!!!! This week, today specifically is Chronic Fatigue Awareness week... (BLUE RIBBON WEEK) and hopefully will raise some awareness for people that have a person with this debilitating illness in their life. I am convinced that EVERYONE knows at least one person. probably more, who have this. My prayer and hope is that for every person dealing with this disease, that they will have at least ONE person who believes them, validates their pain and supports them as they fight daily to survive the battle!!! My love and prayer go out to all of the people I know who are dealing with this!!!! HANG in there friends....our struggle is hard, our battle is tough, the fight seems impossible at times, but THERE is hope!!! Hold on to the "okay" moments and thank God for the people in your life who DO support and love you!! Here is a link if you'd like to become more aware of the illness. http://www.blueribboncampaignforme.org/

I haven't felt well for my birthday in YEARS and today was actually a good day! :) Since my b-day fell on the same day as Mother's Day we had many things to celebrate. My mom is sick with a horrible cold and since my immune system is especially compromised as I go through these IV treatments, I couldn't be with her today. We did however take her some flowers and I saw her through her storm door. We'll celebrate later when we both feel better. She saw me and said that me actually being out and looking so much better was the best Mother's Day present she could have gotten. We went to Jeff's parents for lunch and celebrated my birthday and Mother's Day there. It was good to be out and feel "okay" for a few hours. Considering walking around the house, getting out of bed and just bathing has been hard, I did GREAT today!!! I am tired now but that's okay. I am rejoicing that this Mother's Day wasn't sad, as it usually is. People have been praying and it worked!!!! I still wasn't able to attend church this morning but overall, I am blessed and thankful. There are so many people who love me and have wished me sweet birthday blessings on Facebook, twitter, through cards, calls, in person and I had a LOVELY song sung to me by my friend JoAnn from NC, with sweet Mackenzie and Brigman in the background yelling "Happy Birthday KIIIIIM!" GOODNESS, I LOVE those kids!!!!!!! I have some great friends and family. I am blessed to have parents (mom, dad, and mom and dad stilwell) who love me!! AND....This is my amazing sister's first Mother's Day to my precious 8 yr. old nephew. The adoption isn't final but he has been with our family for 9 months. He has something for me today but wanted to give it to me in person. Since he was with my mom all day yesterday, we felt it would be best if I saw him after we make sure he's not sick too. I MISS HIM and am so thankful he is a part of our family. I can't imagine life without him!!! SO....HAPPY Mother's Day to my mom's, my sweet sister & my beautiful friends! For those of us hoping to one day be a mom too, we are holding on to HOPE that God's timing is perfect and He will either give us the desires of our hearts or change our desires. I beleive that! For my many friends who have lost their mom's.....I hope you are able to celebrate the life she once lived and the legacy she left. Let's all take some time today to just be thankful for the little things we have been given....the BIG stuff is great too :) but it's ALLLLL a blessing from God!! "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord..."plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you a HOPE and a FUTURE" (Jeremiah 29:11) Yeah...you'll see it a lot b/c I BELIEVE it!!!! :) Oh, and thanks friends for reminding me that Jeff and I have had many "children" over the years....not only in our youth groups, but our animals, our friends' children who have brought us joy and the sweet children in our family. I love love love children and there are MANY special ones in my life!!!! They have blessed my heart and brought more joy to me than I could ever express. So, yeah.....GOOD day!!!!

So, amazingly enough, I was able to go out to eat with my sweet husband last night for my early birthday!!! Prayer is powerful people and I had asked God for a "break." Just a few good minutes and He delivered!!! We went to Outback and had a great steak and then he wheeled me around Wal-Mart in a wheelchair. PEOPLE LOVE TO STARE and I guess figure out why someone must be wheeled around.....I wanted to say...."Sorry, I have a fever blister on my lip and its hard to walk" Whatever!!! Maybe it was just my stunning beauty!!! LOL anyway...it was a good night and I am thankful! So, I need to remind myself of the few good hours no matter what today or tomorrow holds. Right now, I am going back to bed, while the sweet doggies are sleeping on the bed too and my hubby is kayaking. He felt bad leaving me but if ANYONE deserves to have some fun...HE DOES!!! He gave me a dozen gorgeous red roses and a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and white flowers yesterday just because!! Of course, I arranged them and put ribbons around the vases but HEY.....I am NOT complaining!!! I'll continue to keep you all posted and give you progress reports on my fever blister!! HAHA!!! I don't really have one. Guess you figured that out! Hope tomorrow is a great day for all the mom's, a good birthday for me, and it holds a blessing for the non-mommy's and pre-mommy's like me who desperately want children. Also, be mindful of those who have lost their mother's. It IS a day of celebration, but can be hard for many people, including myself. It's easy to tell someone to be thankful for what they have (and I am, believe it or not) but for people who have children and living mom's......please try to be considerate of those who don't. Tomorrow is a celebration of life and love that so many mom's give and have given through the years, a time to remember mom's we may have lost and celebrate the life they lived. But, a sad time for the want to be mom's and those who've lost babies. After two miscarriages, I know my sweet babies are alive in Heaven right now bringing joy and proabably playing with Petey, Goliath, Gabby, Red, Punkin and Bun (the Stilwell zoo). Whether you believe that or not is irrelevant to me.....it is what I see and it brings me joy to think about it!! :) Rememeber....I tell it like it is!!!!

Whether anyone ever reads this or not, I think it will be just the avenue I need to heal, deal and reveal more of my life and see how God IS still working. We all need a way to release what we feel. This is my way. I have always tried to be encouraging and even positive in times of turmoil...it even came naturally most times. But, for whatever reason, after almost 5 months of being bedridden b/c of a misunderstood but debilitating illness, I am seemingly losing hope and positivity. Although I KNOW and believe in the pit of my soul that God is in complete control...the PIT I am in is pulling harder and harder. I constantly am reminded by my family and friends that I HAVE to hang on and I can't allow Satan to win. Don't worry...I WILL hang on and I WON'T let him destroy me, but I must say, this is one of the hardest times in my life. After going through my parents divorce in my adulthood, going through 15 years of severe bi-polar, experiencing two devastating miscarriages, being hospitalized more times than I care to count for many different things, I am pretty certain I have never felt this hopeless. Some days, I see a glimpse of the light that's at the end of the tunnel so it's easier to "hang on" and other days, like today, I feel what should be the prime of my life being sucked out of me. I KNOW we all have problems unique to us and have never ever ever compared my pains to the pains of others, especially ones I can't relate too, so why is it that so many people want to tell me that "It could be worse" and give me THEIR life story of how strong they've been through their trials. GREAT for them...really...but some of us are human and believe God hears our cries, groans and moans and bottles every tear. He is okay with me asking "why?" as long as in the end I trust He knows what's best for me. And, although it seems I don't...on the contrary, I DO! That's the amazing part. Anyone who really knows me well, knows how REAL, honest and truthful I am in every aspect of my life. I serve a God who has healed me of a terrible disease already (bi-polar) and although some doctors want to tell me that COULD NOT have happened, we know better! :) The same God who hears my cries, feels my pain and loves me even with my faults, is the same God who saves, delivers, sustains, strengthens, protects, loves, adores and grows me with each passing day. I believe all of that!!! Right now, I just need to be able to say what's going on as my reality and not be told to light some candles, take a bath and not be depressed. Is that so hard to understand? I've never told anyone they JUST needed to light some candles unless their house stunk, or needed to bathe unless they were filthy...and I don't think I've ever told someone they didn't have the right to feel what they were truly feeling, even if it was depression. (Chemical or circumstantial) I've been through them both, know the difference and also know they both will pass. But, as one is dealing with whatever ailment, heartache, loss, fear, pain they are facing....it IS real to them. Mine is too and that's all I need people to get. If they don't....I will still serve my Savior who DOES get it and continue to press forward!! HEY....I think it helped to "get it out" and that was the intention.....so YAY!!!