Ranting, Raving and Renewing

Whether anyone ever reads this or not, I think it will be just the avenue I need to heal, deal and reveal more of my life and see how God IS still working. We all need a way to release what we feel. This is my way. I have always tried to be encouraging and even positive in times of turmoil...it even came naturally most times. But, for whatever reason, after almost 5 months of being bedridden b/c of a misunderstood but debilitating illness, I am seemingly losing hope and positivity. Although I KNOW and believe in the pit of my soul that God is in complete control...the PIT I am in is pulling harder and harder. I constantly am reminded by my family and friends that I HAVE to hang on and I can't allow Satan to win. Don't worry...I WILL hang on and I WON'T let him destroy me, but I must say, this is one of the hardest times in my life. After going through my parents divorce in my adulthood, going through 15 years of severe bi-polar, experiencing two devastating miscarriages, being hospitalized more times than I care to count for many different things, I am pretty certain I have never felt this hopeless. Some days, I see a glimpse of the light that's at the end of the tunnel so it's easier to "hang on" and other days, like today, I feel what should be the prime of my life being sucked out of me. I KNOW we all have problems unique to us and have never ever ever compared my pains to the pains of others, especially ones I can't relate too, so why is it that so many people want to tell me that "It could be worse" and give me THEIR life story of how strong they've been through their trials. GREAT for them...really...but some of us are human and believe God hears our cries, groans and moans and bottles every tear. He is okay with me asking "why?" as long as in the end I trust He knows what's best for me. And, although it seems I don't...on the contrary, I DO! That's the amazing part. Anyone who really knows me well, knows how REAL, honest and truthful I am in every aspect of my life. I serve a God who has healed me of a terrible disease already (bi-polar) and although some doctors want to tell me that COULD NOT have happened, we know better! :) The same God who hears my cries, feels my pain and loves me even with my faults, is the same God who saves, delivers, sustains, strengthens, protects, loves, adores and grows me with each passing day. I believe all of that!!! Right now, I just need to be able to say what's going on as my reality and not be told to light some candles, take a bath and not be depressed. Is that so hard to understand? I've never told anyone they JUST needed to light some candles unless their house stunk, or needed to bathe unless they were filthy...and I don't think I've ever told someone they didn't have the right to feel what they were truly feeling, even if it was depression. (Chemical or circumstantial) I've been through them both, know the difference and also know they both will pass. But, as one is dealing with whatever ailment, heartache, loss, fear, pain they are facing....it IS real to them. Mine is too and that's all I need people to get. If they don't....I will still serve my Savior who DOES get it and continue to press forward!! HEY....I think it helped to "get it out" and that was the intention.....so YAY!!!