Ranting, Raving and Renewing

I KNOW my God and I know He loves me.....some days, however, I have to ask why I have so many hopes, dreams, and desires deep in my heart, and I am still laying in bed.....with life going on around me. Don't get me wrong, I know life doesn't always turn out the way we think it will,but at the young age of 19, I was a vibrant young girl full of hopes and dreams that I thought would come true. I dreamed and planned on being a drama and english teacher, in some sort of music ministry, married and having beautiful healthy children. My life took a HUGE unexpected turn. Do I still believe God loves me, is in control, knows what He's doing and is intricately involved in EVERY aspect of my life? ABSOLUTELY!! I praise Him daily for giving me an amazing husband and a ministry to young people even though I haven't been able to be as involved as I would like to be. I still desire to be healthy, have a baby to love and raise in HIS ways, sing sing sing and minister to young people even more. I DO!! With every ounce of my being. Yet, I am still in the bed, daily! As Jeff and some friends are kayaking, I so want to be there. I know some of you completely understand. I have days when I feel "okay" about life and the future and then there are days like today....where I see it being so easy for others to have children, health, jobs, hobbies and just LIFE! I am happy for them and would never wish any harm or bad things to any of them. That is NOT my heart. I just want God to give me some hope!! I know He will as He always does. I also ache for friends who also struggle with illnesses and pain. While we may never understand why things happen or don't happen the way they do....did that make sense??...lol.....I DO understand we have a loving Heavenly Father who will not forsake us. Please pray that after 13 years of trying to have a baby, 16 years of wanting to be healthy and almost all of my life of desiring to just please God, that He will show me my place in this life and give me glimpses of the future He has for me. (I know you may be thinking that with my health, i shouldn't WANT a baby...that just isn't the case...or that I shouldn't have one BUT I believe God knows how deeply we desire this and He will give me alllll I need if He chooses to give us a little one.) I've been told by an ignorant person in the adoption profession that b/c of my past mental health issues, I wouldn't even be considered as an adoptable parent b/s there were so many amazing families available (as if we aren't one of those)....it was disheartening to hear and cruel on the persons part, but I know if this is an option, He will provide in that way also!!!! That's all for now...I guess I just needed to vent...rant...whatever!! LOL :)