Ranting, Raving and Renewing

I don't feel well already today. Woke up around 10:30 for good and am in tremendous pain again. Stiff, hurting, weak, fatigued and overall.....pretty NASTY!!! But, we knew this was a possibility. Again, after seeing the doctor yesterday and the amazing amounts of blood test results, we realized it has been more than half of my life that I have been building up toxins in my cells and body and it is going to be a loooong haul to get better. So, for now, I am having to concentrate ONLY on my health, my well-being and realizing that I can't worry about letting people down or not being what others expect me to be. I also must let go of the "anger" and "frustration" I feel for the many many many doctors who have "blown me off" or said "you JUST need to lose weight" or "you're just depressed." It is beyond disheartening but IS in the past. time to look forward!!! We believe this decision to go to Atlanta, saved my life literally. I can't say enough how much I look forward to being a "normal" person. I don't KNOW what that feels like. I have pushed through pain and "miserableness" for YEARS. When people have seen me at MY best, and I've seemed okay....that WAS my "good" but again, I haven't had even ONE really good ALLLLLL day for at least 17 years, and assumed that WAS "good." No doctor would validate what I had so I must be "okay" right? WRONG! :) Watch out world when I do feel better!!! I realize as I look back on my life, that the things I HAVE been able to accomplish (because of God alone) have been a miracle!! God always gave me what I needed and has given me a tremendous support system with my sweet husband, family and friends! I have many times, felt like I was "crazy" or "needed to suck it up" or maybe I was just a "wimp." Yet, somehow, I also always knew I was sick, even felt like I was dying slowly (I was!!) and KNEW what I felt was real. Just figured I had to push through the pain, fatigue, fears, frustration and hurt. So, I look forward to the same moment pain and fatigue wise, as the day the bi-polar was GONE and I didn't remember how life felt without being "clouded over" by the depression. One day , I will actually wake up and say "I feel different" and that "different" will be "healthy." :) I KNOW all of the prayers that have been going up for me, have led me to where I am right now. So many people who have never even met me, haven't seen me for YEARS or have just heard what I'm going through, have been faithfully praying. I BELIEVE in that power!!!! Thanks again for following and for all of the encouraging words on my twitter, facebook, through texts and emails. Love you guys!!!!