Ranting, Raving and Renewing

It's been a month since my major surgery and coming out of it we were all expecting, yet prayerfully hoping that there would be no major Fibro flare-ups or complications. Besides the really bad 6 days in the hospital, having a blood transfusion, heart rate over 145 the entire time and a high fever nightly along with some pain I've NEVER felt before..and I thought I'd felt it ALL with Fibro, knee surgeries, daily back pain forever it seemed,etc etc etc...LOL...I came home and for the first 3 weeks did better than any "healthy" person according to doctors, nurses, physical therapists, etc. SO....do I feel blessed and KNOW that the many many prayers offered up are what got me here? I DO!! I praise Him for every moment. The past few days, I have had and am having really bad pain at my incision site, graft site (normal progression of the surgery....knew it was going to be months of recovery) and feeling like I am LONG overdue for a Fibro treatment in Atlanta. I was going monthly and after detoxing and getting through that, I was much more active (except for my daily back pain interfering although I pushed through) than I'd been in months. I was scheduled in September for a treatment but b/c they are so expensive and all out of pocket, I figured, and the doctors agreed, that ONE right before my surgery may not be AS beneficial as we'd like...plus we just didn't have the money. Our cost per trip is about $1,000. Already tapped out at over $13,000 now out of pocket for treatments, visits, gas money and my vitamin/supplement regimen monthly. Seems like I'm being taken for a ride? not so.....God has used this place to get me on the path towards healing. If you've followed my blog, you know i was bedridden for 6 months prior to finding out about this place. After the 17-20 yrs of built up toxins and pain, it was bound and is still bound to take several more months to get my blood levels where they need to be. I had to cancel for October b/c I can't ride 8 hrs (even 20 minutes now) without being miserable and it's not the best thing for the bone fusion to take place...so we are scheduled for November 24th. I'll tell you where our heart, hope and prayers are.....we are praying first of all, for God to provide as He has thus far, for me to continue with the treatments and for my body to become healthy in every way. I am ready for that "NO PAIN day." Don't know how it'll feel but i may do a cartwheel when i feel it. :) Through the 13 yrs of desiring a baby whole-heartedly, we along with my doctor believe that once my body is healthy, it is still possible. However, God has had to bring me to the place of contentment knowing HIS ways are higher, His plans are better and He WILL NOT leave me longing for something He knows is NOT a part of His mighty plan for me. So, here we are now, seeing good things happening in the lives of so many of our "kids" in the youth group and are looking forward to my improved health. I am in the process of writing a devotional guide for chronic illness sufferers of both mental and physical ailments. Having had four misunderstood, In-validated illnesses and having sought devotional guides myself over the years, I KNOW that what's out there unfortunately left me feeling guilty, as if my faith were stronger, I would be healed, or that it was some kind of punishment towards me. Many people over the course of mine and Jeff's lives together have even said these untrue and hurtful things to us concerning my health. God NEVER ever said, although some evangelists today would LOVE to make you think otherwise, that life would be easy, or we should ALWAYS be happy. Happiness and joy in our soul are two different things. Look at what God allowed Satan to do to Job. HE HAD FAITH..strong faith which ultimately is why God KNEW he would be okay and allowed the permission He did to Satan. SO, my question is "where as a "Christian community" have we gone wrong in believing that life was meant to be skipped down a yellow brick road, laughing all the way and never having a right to feel pain, hurt, fear, etc?" Some Christians have and still do deceive non-believers and once they surrender their life to Him, and hit a bump in the road....they question God and His Sovereignty. It's very sad to me. Even through some painful moments emotionally, physically, mentally, etc., simply struggling as a human being, at the end of the day, I want to (and do) lay my head down on the pillow, always knowing WHOSE I am and that He is still on His throne....unchanging, unlike my circumstances. I don't know how God is going to show up in our lives over the next few weeks as we prepare and keep my appointment in Atlanta, BUT I KNOW HE WILL. Why? because He has never led me anywhere that He wasn't willing and able to sustain me and fulfill His purpose in my life. We are praying this devotional guide will come to fruition only in hopes to offer HOPE to the disheartened during their daily struggle. I want people to know what is TRUE, biblical and real...God's mercies are new every morning. He understand our heartaches and pain, but doesn't want us to stay there so He offers Himself ALONE to be all we need. But, sometimes the human mind especially during a mental illness isn't capable of comprehending even that....but God is more powerful and bigger than we let Him be. He can break through any walls we have in our lives. Our ultimate desire should simply be to seek Him so intensely that we only long to be more like His Son and the progression takes place because of HIM, nothing we do. Hoping this blog finds you all healthy, well and joyful.....whatever your circumstance may be right now, we serve a POWERFUL God who can and will give you all you need. Trusting, Kim

I just found out I am going to have back surgery October 1st but after 16 months of trying EVERYTHING in the world, a doctor finally did a test and saw that my L5 disc was HORRIBLY degenerated. I KNEW that but no one believed me. After 4 doctors, 3 rounds of x-rays, acupuncture, massage therapy, horizontal laser therapy, x-ray injections, epidurals, nerve block shots, physical therapy, water therapy, and more, all I kept hearing was that if I lost weight it would help. I GET that but I have sever Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and have had this bulging degenerative disc disease for at least 16 months....so of course, the pain is too bad to exercise and with the other health issues (underactive thyroid, diabetes, etc) it is almost impossible to lose weight. However, even after losing 22 lbs since starting my treatments for the Fibro, my back was getting worse but the Fibro better. We prayed that someone would finally see the problem. This dr. sent me for a very extensive test called a Ct scan/discogram where they inject 4 huge needles into each disc and deliberately try to recreate your pain and see which discs are healthy and how bad they are. After seeing the results, there was no question. Surgery is the only option. So, we are praying that even though the surgeon is concerned this invasive surgery will irritate my Fibro, we've known doctors to be human and wrong before. :) Praying God will make the recovery process less painful since pain meds have no affect on me and I'm ready to get on with life. I was soon going to start leading a support group here in Columbia for Fibromyalgia sufferers. But, that will be postponed until after my recovery. I have a heart and passion for alllll chronic debilitating illness sufferers, but I am only going to be trained to help with knowledge of Fibro and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am affiliated with a non-profit organization in Kansas called Fibromyalgia Coalition International and they help so many people. So, soon it is coming to Columbia but for now, I am still praying for God to place people in my path with this illness that is so debilitating and HE has amazingly done that already!! Praying for so many and for God to show Himself to you all as He has shown Himself to me. Remember, no matter what your struggle is or how insurmountable it may seem.....God is bigger than all of it!! :) what hope we have!!!!!

I am amazed at how God is working JUST today! Not only with my sister and my nephew they are adopting ( a HUGE answer to prayer today and a BIG step forward) and with a personal issue we've been dealing with coming to resolve...but earlier today, I went to Wal-mart just to get out, after having a breakdown last week(to be completely honest as you all know I am..lol)...trying hard to relax and stay functioning....a lady walked up to me out of nowhere and just said "I am suffering from severe anxiety and am on medication but don't know what to do? do you know what I should do?" WOW!!! Isn't God awesome....just amazing. I encouraged her as best I could and it ended up that her brother also has fibromyalgia and his fiancee too. She called her brother from her cell and put him on the phone with me in wal-mart to talk to him. I offered some encouragement, prayer and my email to give him allll the many resources I have at my disposal, was able to share that SOMEONE understands and there is HOPE. His fiancee is trying to get disability and I JUST talked to the founder of a non-profit organization called Fibromyalgia Coalition International yesterday and she shared with me a lawyer who helps people with Fibro get disability nationwide so now I'll be able to offer that to him. I also asked the lady at the coalition about how, if we raised money through a "RUN" and later a kayaking event one of our students wants to do to help (how precious is that??) here in Cola to also raise awareness about the illness, how we could use the money to benefit some people I have met recently who are suffering from this debilitating illness. She assured me that if the money was given to them, they could give it directly to the Fibromyalgia Center I go to in Atlanta and use it to sponsor anyone I choose. Even though I am wondering how we are going to continue MY own treatments, I am more concerned right now with finding help for so many others who NEED it too! I KNOW God will somehow continue to find the means financially for me to go...but my heart's desire and passion (besides serving and ministering to young people) is to minister to and help others with chronic illnesses, pain and misunderstood illnesses. So, I am going to start a support group/bible study for anyone who wants to come..just don't know when yet...praying through that...please pray with me in that! By the way, the lady I spoke with in Wal-mart is not from what I was asking her, a Christian, but wants to come to our church, we exchanged numbers and she asked me how, after all I've been through could I still have the presence, spirit and smile that I had?? :) Of course you know my answer...."it's all from the Lord" she even asked "why God allowed things like this to happen to people like myself?" so I did get the opportunity to share with her some amazing things I know about our Creator. As I was talking to her brother on the phone, she was hugging me, crying and I could hear her mumbling "God, this has to be YOU" It was a reminder to me and maybe a revelation to her that God loves us so very very much and is still here...so intricately involved in every single aspect of our lives!!! As she walked away, and I told her I was praying for her every day along with the many others I have committed to lift up...she said "I love you Kim and you'll never know how much this has helped me" AMEN!! It helped me too. I said yesterday on Facebook and Twitter that I wanted to be a light for Christ in the darkest moments of my life just as I can be during the times when things are wonderful. I have been in a VERY dark place for a very long time, but God can and does use anyone willing to be an empty vessel. He even uses us when we're not willing, but we sure don't receive the blessings like we do when we're willing, obedient and open. I have asked Him to use me and my illnesses for His glory....thankful He is. Love you all and appreciate your many prayers for Jeff and I both!!! Again, look for ways to be used for His glory...and look for Him simply in the Creation....HIS creation around you! You'll see Him!! :)

You know, I realize my life is NOWHERE near Job's life biblically but I DO feel like and believe Satan is just messing with me. I KNOW life is just tough sometimes, life IS life, but I also know when we are at our weakest, he tries really hard to just break us down. I also know however, that as cruel as it SOUNDS..and it's NOT, b/c our God is not cruel, that nothing comes to me that hasn't been cleared through my Savior. Do I always remember that? NOPE....have to be reminded sometimes but ultimately YES, I DO KNOW HE LOVES ME and only wants to grow, strengthen and make me even more reliant on HIM! I know I've said all of this before but as we (my husband and I) are dealing with a very difficult situation in the midst of my severe illness, chronic pain, lack of ability to deal with stress b/c of the Fibromyalgia (found that even in blood work, I have almost NO cortisol in my body and THIS is what helps normal people process stress) and my severe anxiety disorder....even though we KNOW He's in control, we still hurt! All I know right now, is that b/c of some decisions we are having to make to get my health where it needs to be, keep me sane,for me to have a quality life, spend time with my OWN family, for Jeff to be not soooo extremely stressed every single day and for our marriage and relationships with each other and God to flourish...we need to do what we have to...but are praying for a smooth resolution so that ALL involved will be okay. Right now, however, as selfish as it sounds, and I don't have a selfish bone in my body, I HAVE to allow my very expensive treatments to work in a stress free environment. We have used all of our resources financially to make me better, after 5 month of being bedridden...SO, I believe God wants Jeff and I to take care of ourselves, our health, our marriage and OUR MINISTRY!! All very important!!! I am praying over, after I recover some from some things, starting a support group/bible study for people with chronic pain and misunderstood illnesses. I really feel that God is calling me to do this, just praying to be sure. I have a HUGE heart, passion and compassion for fellow sufferers. My heart breaks for others daily as I lift them up in prayer. I just want to help where I can, but God is going to have to reveal to me what I need to do...and He will. I know it seems all of my blogs are full of "pitiful" stuff but truly, it is just my life....not that it's pitiful..it just is what it is.....tough!! WE all suffer as a result of sin in the world, life in general and even God trying to teach us, grow us and make us more like His Son. For whatever reason, we are where we are BUT we KNOW WHOSE WE ARE and He'll never ever let us go!! It was good to vent!! :) Hope you all can see Christ somehow today in even the darkest of circumstances..look for Him to amaze you...He will!!! Today, I oh, so miss my Mullins friends who are like family to us, and my friends in Charleston (lots of them too) and the Sandifer's (our former pastor and his family..like family as well) and my NC friends....wish i could get a tangible HUG from them all right now but praying God will be the tangible love I need right now. I KNOW He can be!!

We entered our dog in a contest this week to help with the expense of my illness
and many many others I know personally that I wish so badly I could help!!
"Chaco" didn't win this week but the week starts over today. HONESTLY, I know some
of you did this I and we are beyond grateful, but he had a lot of votes...ALLLLL
it's going to take is for each of you to send this to your contacts and even if
everyone voted even ONE day..HE COULD WIN!! It's for a GREAT cause..fibromyalgia
help for many people!! Please consider taking just a minute to forward this to
your friends who just might do the same. It can not only help me continue my
much needed treatments, but many others as well. We're also desperately trying
to raise awareness about this very debilitating illness. PLEASE take a minute!!
Thanks to all of you who took this seriously. We're not giving up!!! Here's his
link again:

Cutest Dog Photo Gallery - Vote for the Cutest Dog - 
One Million Dollar Cutest Dog Competition

PLEASE vote daily and spreeeeaaaaad the word....it can change lives 
sooooon!!!

You know the days when your heart seems so overwhelmed you just don't know how much more you can handle?? Lately, I know these days all too well. My heart is full of so many emotions, frustrations, longings, fears, desires and hurts. But, for those who think I am just full of complaints and life can't possibly be that hard...I just have to say..you're wrong. I am not complaining...and life is tough...maybe tougher for some than others. Maybe some people are equipped and able to deal better, but others of us, as we push through, keep hitting obstacles at every turn...even if we're pushing STRAIGHT forward there seem to be brick walls. We've all been there and some seasons last longer than others, or maybe it just seems that way. Either way, as I have always said our problems are unique to us...BUT we all serve the same God who loves us all the same and will be more than we need. Only recently, a student of ours has shown interest in my illness, which so many suffer from. He has researched it and found it to be more extensive and debilitating than he ever knew. If we all would follow the example of a young man and be willing to research and discover what others suffer from, in hopes to be an encouragement, the world would certainly be a better place. Instead, we seem more interested in googling the latest "news" concerning the private lives of celebrities or watching videos on youTube. Is there anything wrong with YouTube?? I don't think so..I find many things very funny. (Bon Qui Qui is my girl) I am NOT standing in judgement or condemnation of anyone..I am just as "guilty" as the next person. I guess after coming off of an "Unplugged" retreat with our kids and seeing them take time to listen to one another, get to know each other and rally around those with hurts and pain, while sharing in each others' joys....My point is simply...if we spent as much time in God's Word and really listening to the problems and pains of others as we do on Facebook, twittering, watching tv, reading other books and on the computer....we would see a difference and make a difference in the lives of others as well as our own. Too much for you to handle? Just remember it's MY thoughts, MY views, MY blog and it's My way of venting and sharing what God's doing in my life. :) I am who I am, have never made apologies for being real and honest....and won't start now. Just know my heart is to see others lives changed for the better, see them encouraged and see God glorified through us all. I ask sincerely for you to pray for me to be who I am called to be and for Him to change in me all HE wants too..as He chips away all that's not of Him, making me more like His Son...may I be open and willing to be obedient!!!

You know, I thoroughly enjoyed our worship service Sunday morning and it was the 3rd time I'd been to a morning service since Christmas b/c of my health and mornings being so hard for me. I listened and agreed with all the guest speaker said, especially when he said that life is tough and filled with troubles. He stated that we often ask for God to remove burdens from our lives, instead of asking for him to make our backs stronger so we can carry the loads. I KNOW many times I have asked for God to remove this illness instead of just asking for Him to give me what I need to get through. God knew we were going to have troubles in life.....why else would he say "Don't worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own? Despite what even some tv evangelists and speakers may try to tell us...life is HARD...even as Christians. We are not void of problems. Has nothing to do with out faith, our joy, etc.....life is just that...LIFE...tough, real, hard and not always "fair." But we serve a God who IS bigger than it all and CAN have joy in our souls in the midst of circumstances. Do I understand what he was saying? I truly do....But, on days like today, when I feel like I can't go on anymore and after 20 years of being sick, starting to get better, then having a relapse I assume due to stress and and overdoing it the past few weeks, I DO ask God to take it away. I ask, however, with every ounce of my being, KNOWING that if it's God's will for me to bear this illness, that He will provide what I need. Jeff and I have taken on a responsibility recently (3 weeks now) that we truly believe God called us too....so my questions is....If we KNOW we are called to do this now, why am I not being given all I need physically to handle it? I don't DOUBT God.....just don't understand. BUT...He never said I'd have to understand it all...in fact he even said His ways are higher than ours and I probably WOULDN'T understand. I can deal with that. After all, He IS God, my creator and the creator of the universe and as I've said many times before, he doesn't need MY permission to do anything. I will always trust that He is in control. So, I guess, right this moment, even as I type (with tears streaming down my face out of frustration, disappointment, pain, weakness and mostly AWE of my Heavenly Father) I am realizing that while I still believe God is using my treatments to help me, I AM STILL SICK and if He hasn't chosen to "LIFT" my disease completely, my prayer DOES need to be for strength to endure and continue on this path. I want to be faithful in ALL God calls me to do and be. I just need my body to cooperate. The things most people take for granted (and I have been guilty of at times in my life of doing it too) such as spending time with friends, being able to "run to the store" and even being able to WORK...as much as some of you dread it most mornings.....what would some of you do without it? It may help give you a sense of purpose (although i KNOW better since being unable to work..that my purpose and who i AM is not based on what i DO) but it may give you the money you need to survive, time to be around other human beings and communicate on a daily basis......I can't have that. Don't feel sorry for me please (not that you were) because that's not why I say this. I say it b/c JUST the past few days we've had dear friends who JUST moved and spent their last night here hoping we could see them, but b/c of my health, we couldn't. And my precious friend who lives 3 hours away and I never get to see anymore was in town tonight, going to spend the night, but b/c she KNOWS me so well, could hear in my voice, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself I COULD even sit up to just "talk " tonight....that I am weary, worn and exhausted...she went back home and I cried and cried. I ADORE her and it is rare to find friends who love you enough, to put YOU before them. That's what she did.....she left it up to me.....she would have come and watched me sleep but I knew that wasn't fair to her either. It was a disappointment all the way around not to see our friends off and to see my friend today. I KNOW I'll see them again but the point is.....my body won't let me live the life I want to live EVEN when I'm doing what I know God has called us to do. Maybe one day it will make sense. Maybe not. Either way..I have to be content and accept it based on the God I KNOW!!! We have our youth white water rafting trip all next week. We've been going to the same place almost every year for 16 years of ministry and I have never missed one of these trips. It's my favorite for many reasons....we have precious, spiritually uplifting friends who run the retreat center, it's always the most amazing spiritual trip for our kids and adults and it's peaceful and beautiful!!!! However, I can't remember the last time I went and was able to stay in the bunk rooms with the girls (I always have to sleep downstairs b/c I'm so sick) but this year I don't want to do that.....I WANT to finally enjoy the entire experience as much as I can. Being with our sweet girls, giggling at night and just sharing all God is doing in their lives and mine is an amazing experience. Again, these things may seem simplistic and silly to some of you...others of you who have the same illnesses will completely understand alllll I am saying...but either way, my prayer for myself and what I am asking you to pray for too, is that I WILL be given ALL and maybe even more that I need to do God's work and to enjoy next week, to catch up on the much needed rest this week and feel somewhat "normal" although I don't know what that is. Do I want your Pity? NO....Sorrow? NO.....Sadness? NO Prayer???? YES!!! And I am trying even now to look forward to what God is going to do IN me and THROUGH me. I love Him more and more no matter what...just pensive, confused maybe a little, and extremely weary right now. Thanks for listening and praying.....love to you all!!!

A part of this stupid illness is the horrible sleep patterns we have. Sadly, ALL people need sleep to restore all of the necessary brain chemicals and the body's natural rest aids and for the many of us with fibro and chronic FATIGUE syndrome, you'd THINK we'd have no trouble sleeping...on the contrary. I, as well as most patients afflicted with this disease, go through cycles...some nights, even weeks at a time I sleep 12 hours a night or more, and sometimes it's restful, REAL sleep, but mostly it's a dream-like state, non REM sleep, leaving me always exhausted and feeling like I've been run over then backed up over again by an 18 wheeler (although I am still HUGE...lol...sorry, bad attempt at making fun of my big ole self...when Jeff reads it he'll fuss at me like he always does...but honey, it was just a joke...granted, a bad one, but a joke nonetheless..lol)anyway...(I seem to have to get myself back on track with "so" and "anyway" which if you've been following, you know by now) SO.... :-) there's the other side of the sleep issue..insomnia. This can go on for weeks, and has been for me. I haven't slept well for a couple of them. Again, sadly, for us, because most of us due to the illness, from my recent blood work result findings, have the inability, literally, for our bodies to deal with, adapt to, filter and relieve STRESS, this, at least for me, comes into play often. Stress is a part of life for us all, but without the ability to handle it properly, my sleep is really affected. I'm getting better physically and am so thankful for my new doctor and the center in Atlanta so HAPPILY (no more "sadly") I AM seeing improvement. Still have a long way to go but we're heading in the right direction. I finally sent my previous ignorant, incompetent and unprofessional doctors who were allowing me to wither away and sending me towards a slow death, a certified letter stating how horrible their "care" was. All I care to say on this matter is, as I stated to them, I hope I am a rare case, not for the sake of their practice or their jobs, but for the sake of many sick people who come to them in need, expecting and trusting they will receive health care and proper quality medical treatment when needed. I truly hope I am the ONLY one they found "hard to deal with." :) Since we ALL know I am SO hard to get along with...LOL! Ok..I'm over that. Aren't you glad? I DO, however have one more life analogy I conjured up as we were on the river kayaking last week. (YES y'all, I felt well enough to kayak..PRAISE THE LORD!) As we were paddling a LOT b/c the river was low that day and there wasn't much breeze, and of course I was complaining a little :) as i got stuck on rocks and was sweating...I don't like to sweat and do it way too much for someone who hates it...we finally came to a spot where the cool breeze began to blow, I didn't have to paddle as hard and I said to Jeff and the child who was with us in Jeff's boat "well, it's about time, now that we're towards the END, that we get a break and some help from the wind." And right as I said it...I realized that just like life, I needed to be THANKFUL for the moment and not upset about the past...to embrace and enjoy the beautiful breeze given by God, take in HIS gorgeous creation and know that even if most of my life has been not so smooth, there ARE bright, easy, fun, beautiful moments I need to cherish and feel blessed and thankful for. So, I turned my boat around to look back at Jeff and as I saw how far I'd paddled and how breath-taking the view was behind me with the reflection of the sun gleaming on the water, the trees blowing and the peaceful, graceful birds, I also thought how it's okay to look back at life, but not to dwell on the past. Instead, look back to be amazed at how far you've come, through the times you were "stuck on a rock" and felt so frustrated like you'd never be able to get out of that place or times you were so weary from trying to "paddle or PUSH through non flowing waters" (rough times) that you didn't think you'd make it to the end.... what other choice do we have in life, just as in kayaking as you're in the middle of the river..but to keep on going? THAT type of looking back, being able to see what you can accomplish, have come through and seeing God's hand or beauty in it all....makes it worth the ride.....life that is...kayaking too!!! Hope that made as much sense to you as it did to me when God revealed it. ENJOY the cool breezes today..those moments when you feel God loving on you and thank HIM..He deserves our praise! Hope you have a great day. I plan too, even with the lack of sleep. :)

When life throws you a curve ball.....well, in our case when life throws you a FAST ball (thrown quickly, unexpectedly, overwhelmingly hard) CATCH it, scream a little from the pain you're feeling if you must but quickly realize....WOW!!! I caught it..I can handle this and we may even win this game!! (Stay with me here people...you'll get in momentarily) My sad attempt at using a baseball analogy, or in my case after my years of softball...a softball analogy, is unique. Normally, we think of a specific type of "pitch" when thinking of one throwing the ball, but as a first baseman all of my life with my sister playing short stop, throwing EXTREMELY fast, hard, hand stinging balls at me to ensure it would always get to my glove and the base before the runner did....I have put my own personal twist on this. I am taking the perspective of my position, first baseman, not a hitter. My point is......we all encounter, as Jeff and I are now, as well as many others, some things that when coming at us, may look scary, overwhelming, insurmountable, which is how every single throw from my sister to me looked over the years, but I couldn't throw my glove on top of my head, duck, run or scream (well, i actually DID always scream...can you picture that? It happened....don't know why, but it made people laugh..lol) anyway......as I said, I couldn't do anything but what I was supposed to do as a team player and first baseman which was to do the best I could to catch the ball and get the runner out...one runner at time, each time getting closer to the end. I am going to apply this same perspective to life. We are going through something very overwhelming right now, something I can't even discuss, but I CAN say that I HAVE to have the right perspective. So, back to my analogy...I am going to be a team player with my amazing husband, and as the ball comes to me, catch it with all confidence b/c it's simply my job to be obedient to my coach who also happens to be the umpire, an ALMIGHTY one at that, and hear him yell to Satan (the runner) "You're outta there!!!" As the fans (in our case, many prayer warriors) cheer for a happy outcome. Life, and the situation in front of us is by NO means a game, but the game here is the one Satan is wanting to play every minute in our minds, with our emotions and with our joy. So, if there is a "game" to be played, we already know the ending. With the umpire on our side, a team that only grows stronger each day and fans who are committed to the team, we will win!!! Not being able to go into detail of the situation, please allow me to say that I believe God is going to triumph here in the lives of all involved. Our situation is mild, in comparison to the pain others involved are feeling, but I see God working and KNOW He is not finished. With each game won, we're closer and closer to the play-off's and the finals....each game may become tougher (maybe not...we pray not) but no matter what, the reward is not a fake gold trophy this time, rather it is God receiving glory and drawing His children closer to Himself, as He provides healing and comfort to all involved. All I can say is (after all I've already said..HAHA)...is that your prayers are much needed for many people right now and I am trusting that God will lead you in the direction to pray, without having to know the exact circumstance. God is amazing that way....we are simply called to intercede for others, pray for His will to be done and trust He is always going to be faithful! Thanks for once again, allowing me to ramble. My hope today is that somehow through the craziness of this post, God will wrap His arms around YOU right now as I'm sure you can relate to the difficult things life brings. I am just grateful we serve the only TRUE God who adores His children!! Hope you have a blessed day!!

Here's another one of my twists on a life analogy...."When life hands you lemons, say EEEEEW! and the throw them at somebody!!" Don't ask..I know it doesn't make sense but it made my husband laugh. :)

This week while Jeff is away I have one of our students staying here. She is so amazing and has so many questions and thoughts about God. As a young person in this time, I have complete and utter respect and admiration for the kids who strive to stay strong in their faith, love the Lord and endure the temptations around them. Older people, even some parents of teenagers say that "they just have no idea about life." And, in many ways, this is very very true, simply because they haven't had the experiences we have, however, the reason Jeff and I still have a heart for them (excluding the obvious reason being that God has called us into the ministry and given us a passion for them) is that we see the struggle getting harder and harder with each generation. Being their age is NOT easy and I look at the fact that Jesus started his ministry as a "child" and was able to draw people to Himself and His Father. In our society, we don't give these kids enough credit and dismiss them b/c they're too young and just have no experience. If we would all think back to when we were their age, we might remember that our problems at the time (as "petty" or "insignificant" as they may seem to us now, knowing what we know) were very REAL and very DEEP to us. I have always said that we all have problems unique to us. Their problems are all they know and are HUGE to them. So, should we laugh it off, blow them off or roll our eyes and say "KIDS!!!" I don't believe so. We are doing them a huge injustice by not validating that their issues are real to them. Do we often, always...wish we could put in their heads and hearts what we know? Yes...but how does that help them grow and learn and even draw closer to God through seeing HIM work in their lives? OUR faith (as ministers, mentors, parents) is not their faith or relationship with God. When they leave the nest and venture out on their own, what is going to keep them "in check" is THEIR faith, and THEIR relationship with Him. Is it imperative for them to have Godly examples and people to point them to Christ and guide them in the right direction? Absolutely!! But, WE are not their Savior. Only He can show them more of Himself. So, I believe our job is to nurture, raise up and under gird them with lots ans lots of PRAYER. And..to believe God's Word and promise that if we raise a child up in Him, that even if they stray, they WILL come back to Him eventually. That's where, not being a parent myself, it sounds easy for me to SAY, right? But, I didn't say it...God did!! So, I believe it, whether I have personally experienced it or not. Our job is also to instill values, be an example of what Christ wants us to be, while letting them know that as humans, we are not perfect either, so they must not look to ANYONE but their Creator and Savior for the perfect example of living a life that pleases Him. One HUGE issue they deal with, is the church as a whole, Christians as a whole, being hypocritical. However, this cannot be an excuse for not following God and doing what is expected of us. We were created to worship Him, so anything we do short of that, is going to leave us empty and unfulfilled. As we know, being a Christian doesn't make our lives void of pain, heartache, trials and sickness...but we do have a hope others don't have. PRAISE GOD for that!! Unfortunately, the church as a whole, has gotten it all wrong. We think we are supposed to go to church on Sunday (and whatever other day of the week it may be for us) and be "fed" and expect God to bless us, serve us, speak to us and when WE don't get what WE want...we pout or get angry or complain. WE have misconstrued the purpose of corporate worship and fellowship. We are supposed to be growing daily with Christ, and coming together in a place (with US being the church) to BLESS and serve and lift up HIM...not the other way around. So, why do we leave church feeling frustrated and not "fed?" Because we went in with the wrong perspective, wrong reasons and wrong heart. If during the week we would be what He calls us to be and fall more and more in love with Him each day, we would look forward to going to "church" to worship with others (regardless of the style of music) and share what God has done in our lives ALLLLL week long. Then, we would leave fulfilled and blessed simply because God is AMAZING that way. Does He desire to bless us? You betcha!! Do we miss a lot of blessings out of our own selfishness, expectations of what HE or others should be doing for US? You betcha!! It's time, past time, for us to stop making excuses, stop wanting to be spoon fed and do what we were created to do, which is worship our Heavenly Father and Creator, and spread His love to others. Are we perfect? NOPE...is that an excuse to sin? NOPE....but being REAL people, no facades, no masks, no pretending...will draw others to Him more than trying to pretend we have it all together, have no problems as Christians or when we do have problems, telling people that if we had more faith we wouldn't have to deal with them. NOT TRUE!! As Jeff always says, "when God saved us, He never said we would hold hands and skip down the yellow brick road an everything would always be GREAT." where is the joy in getting to see God and intimately KNOW Him if we don't struggle?? What's the point in faith and reliance on the one true God who is Almighty? There wouldn't be any. I would rather struggle and see God as I do, KNOW I have hope and that one day, I am going to spend eternity with my CREATOR!! Wow!! Just the thought amazes me. People who don't believe can try and dispute with me that God isn't real, or that a loving God would never send anyone to Hell, etc. But, you can't dispute with anyone their own personal experience, and I have mine. Also, GOD is GOD and can do whatever He chooses. WE, as humans decided to go our own way, and He could have given up on us, but thankfully, mercifully, graciously, He still allows us to be able to come to Him. It's a choice like everything else in life. If we were made or forced to love Him, is that really love? I think not. But, once we make a choice to follow Him, our life is no longer our own. We belong to Him and it's a COMMITMENT to follow even in the midst of turmoil. Do I even consider baling on my relationship with Him? What if He did that to me when I failed? I choose to serve a God who is all powerful, all knowing and REAL! Hope you do too!! Also, hope you made it through to the end of this, simply because none of this was meant to be "preachy" or "guilt-inflicting." Rather....and hopefully, thought invoking. Thanks for following.....have a blessed day!!! :)

My sweet husband is only an hour away at SummerSalt Camp with some of our students but I miss him already. I actually drove some of the girls there yesterday afternoon so I saw him only 24 hours ago but sadly, I miss him so much already. We have never done well apart. After being together almost 17 years, we still are used to talking to each other several times a day just to say "hey" or " I love you" or most often "i miss you." May sound sappy or cheesy to you, but I consider myself blessed to be married to my very best friend! :) So, at camp, not only do they stay really busy and have different sessions day and night, but he doesn't have a cell phone signal except in maybe one little place outside. I HATE that I can't just call to say hi and get in touch when i want too. Seperation anxiety? yeah, I guess so but it's always been this way. I have also always had someone stay with me when he's gone. Usually, one of our sweet girls from the youth group. Mary Margaret, Olivia and Amber spent MANY nights with me in Mullins. This week, one of our girls is staying too. It's comforting to have someone else here and last night we had some great talks about God and other stuff too :) She is very helpful and as I am still struggling with my health, I am thankful for her being here. I adore her and her heart!!!! Today, I am going to sleep and rest. Don't feel very well today....my pain level is pretty severe lately and the SC heat doesn't help. HEAT and KIM don't do well together..so why have I always lived in SC? UM.......I guess God wants me here....I'd love to be in the mountains.....but have the life I have here. Since that's not possible, I'll just endure the heat. Gonna sit outside with Chaco and Peppy later and let them play. Hope you all have a wonderful, beautiful day!! Please pray for safety for my sweet jeffrey and the students at camp. :)

Those of you who watched or watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" may understand my title....I have been feeling sorry for myself all night. Ya see, I have major issues and have forever with my self-esteem and the fact that I have gained so much weight over the years of illness and depression. Regardless of why it happened, it DID! I have never really shown the people who have only known me at this size, pics of me during my younger and skinny days...Until tonight. Mine and Jeff's 15 year Anniversary is tomorrow and I wanted to do something special for him. We have no money, it's the beginning of a youth minister's very busy summer and so we will celebrate later. BUT, i did find out tonight that Jeff is taking the next two days off....YAY!!! I felt like a little kid when I found out. I am just excited to spend time with my sweetheart!! We need it!! Back to the story....SO, haha, sorry..SO, I made a video slideshow presentation to take to church tonight and show to him in front of the kids and few adults who were there. I had reservations even as I posted pics on Facebook of my highschool years, that people were going to see my skinny days and comment. But, I did it anyway...for those of you who really know me, you KNOW what a HUGE step that was for me.....but I did it!! As I showed the video, I was just thinking about how happy Jeff has made me and how truly blessed we are that we have made it through more than what most people go through in a lifetime already. Then, afterwards, I heard comment like "You WERE hot" ( i know it was meant to be a compliment but it was a reminder that I'm certainly not now) and then from an adult who just met me, something like..."I have always said, and your presentation is proof, that when we are younger, we had outer beauty and as we grow older, it's our inner beauty that matters...thank goodness we still have that, right?" Again, I GET that it was meant to be a comlpliment about my beautiful inside but WOW!!! I just said "thanks" and my heart cried!! My fears of people seeing what I used to look like, and seeing me now (having the comparison) I feel changed their views about me, physically. I KNOW I am bigger, not as pretty and HOT....never really was but anyway...it's certainly gotten worse. :) However, I was reminded by family and friends who love me NO MATTER WHAT MY SIZE or appearance...and by my precious husband who thinks I am more beautiful today than I ever was...that it's really OKAY. Some of you are thinking, "man, she must be shallow" I truly am not...just have always been insecure for whatever reason and after all I've been through for the past 17 years, just wish I could say I'm more beautiful with age. but, life has not been kind to me, literally, and life takes its toll. Tonight, though, my friend JoAnn told me to "dig deep", b/c she truly KNOWS what a struggle this really is for me...and to "grab hold of whatever I have too, to believe the truth and forget what anyone said....to use everything in me to get past it" and she said " I KNOW you can!!!".....I did....also, I was reminded of an episode of Raymond where Mr. Frank Barone says, "Get off your pity pot nancy" to the boys.....and decided to get off of mine. I have too much to be thankful for. Just life itself..that I am HERE, fighting physically but HERE and my family, friends, animals and our sweet kids at church love me. I refuse to let satan take any hold and bring me down (no, I'm not being Spencer and Heidi from "Get me out of here...I'm a celebrity" I am being ME and being REAL. I have a God who adores His creation and as His child, I can recieve the hope I need so greatly right now and know I am beautifully and wonderfully made...........we alllll are!!!! I haven't decided if I'm going to post the video on Facebook or not...that's still up in the air. But, seriously, after some of the comments my friends and family have made tonight in my defense.....BEWARE to anyone who dares to write anything remotely negative. :) Just sayin' Night guys!!! It's almost my anniversary!!:0)

Yep...that's the best way to describe my hair right now. I was trying to save money and so I called my hairdresser Lila, and told her I would still come Thursday for a haircut, but was going to color my VERY GREY hair on my own this time to save some money....BAD, BAD, BAD idea!! So, I went and bought what I THOUGHT was "natural medium brown" (what she said to get) but aciidentally bought "natural medium MAHOGANY brown" which means EVERY strand of grey picks up the base color which was RED!! I put the color on, noticed it was pink, and as I was cutting a friend's hair here at the house, kept commenting on how pink the color was and then, looking in the mirror as it was sitting, realized it was turning red. Just thought and even said "aw, it'll be alright" I have colored many of my friend's hair and my own in the past. If Mary Margaret or Olivia are reading this, they know the many color "blunders" we've had before....but usually, in the past I have intentionally colored my hair red or blonde...whatever I felt like. But, since I have started with the premature greying, I have always let Lila color it when she cuts it.....just easier. Needless to say, I called Lila, after washing my hair for 30 minutes, 15 times.....after my friend here laughed at me :) and Lila said "yeah, if you would've just used brown, you'd have been fine, but I can fix it." But, I have to wait until Thursday. She is booked solid and if it were an emergency, I know she'd come to my house if she could.....but since I am home now anyway, not feeling well, I need to let it sit for a few days and condition too....(IT FEELS LIKE STRAW) :) ..... NO pictures are being posted so don't even ask. Jeff called and when I told him, he laughed.... A LOT and said "you've done worse" to which my response was.... "to Mary Margaret and Olivia." HAHA!! Anyway, I'll stick to just cutting others hair and leaving my own alone!!!! Don't let this discourage all of the grey-haired people out there from coloring your hair at home....just buy the right color.

SO, haha, I went to doctor's care yesterday, because as you know if you've been reading, I have no family doctor here anymore. Apparently, I am too hard to work with. :) I have had a sore throat for days, so I went to make sure it wasn't strep. IT WASN'T....so, yay!! What is up with the "so?" I don't know...hey that rhymed...I need more sleep. For those of you who know me well, this is my normal unfortunately....silly, crazy, corny!! Anyway, so, like, I was, like, sick and like, (I'll stop) and got to the doctor yesterday at 8:00. Saw the doctor, had strep test done and had prescriptions written and was out in 30 minutes. NOW, that's the way to go!!! As long as I have my doctor I see every month in Atlanta anyway, who is monitoring my blood work, insulin, vitamin D, labs, etc.....I just need to walk in to Doctor's care and not deal with RUDE, incompetent, indulgent (that word....my name is Simon Cowell) "doctors" anyway. If I heard one more time that I need to just lose weight!!! Whereas, my dr. in Atlanta said there is NO way I could have lost any (could have told her that for the past few years) no matter what I would have done (and did do) because my body and cells are in such bad shape. Until I get better....bring on the ice cream....j/k...not really, well, kinda...no, j/k, I DO like ice cream (HAHA sorry I'm so random and all over the place today but do any of you watch SNL? I can so imitate the "Just kiddin" lady, love it).........SO, I am home in bed AGAIN, feeling really yucky, achy and puny....it's either viral or an infection. Either way, it may take me a while to get over. Part of havinig an immune deficiency illness and compromised immune system after going through detoxing treatments, Hopefully, only a week or so.....possibly more. PLEASE pray that I will feel much better soon. Have a lot going on this summer with the youth and Jeff could use my help. Doesn't HAVE to have it, I know...but I WANT and desire to help and be a part of all that goes on. Jeff and I, even though people don't recognize this especially at our current church b/c I have been so sick so much, are in this together. Always have been. I am also a big part of the ministry simply because God has put the desire in MY heart too.....we were BOTH called to be in ministry. Even during my Chidren's Ministry days, Jeff was a huge part of that and I was still a big part of the youth ministry. I may have been as physically involved as I would have liked recently, but for all of the minister's wives (or husbands) out there...I KNOW what you do. I appreciate you too!!! Your support and strength mean a lot to your spouse. God doesn't call ONE person in a marriage to anything.....I truly believe when we become ONE, He calls us both!!! I pray I feel better soon, and can be a part of the summer...and actually ENJOY it for the first time in a long time. :) (Wow...did I just get on a soap box?.....I'm off now, I promise) LOL

So, (why do I start blogs with so....idk) anyway, lol, I haven't blogged for a few days and wanted to write out some thoughts. I will probably never truly understand why we struggle so much in life, some more than others and why it doesn't seem the problems are dealt according to who "deserves" them. But, I do know that because we, as a sinful people, created to worship HIM alone, decide to go our own way, that life is just that...life....it has its ups and downs, troubles, sorrows AND joys!!!! It just is what it is and without the "downs" our "ups" wouldn't be so great!! I also know that to wish my trials to just go away IF it's not His will for my life, is robbing me of what He wants to show me and how He wants to grow me. We serve a GOD who adores us, sent His Son (being God Himself) to live on earth so that He COULD RELATE to what we deal with, and then laid down His life. Whether you believe it or not, I do, and this is my blog so, there you go!! :) LOL He was fully human yet fully God (and since He's God, HE can do that) and so I KNOW that all we suffer, He understands. You may say, well, did Jesus really deal with death, sickness, temptation, pain, hurt, sorrow, loss........YES HE DID! Do we know if he Himself was ever sick? No...but we Do know He saw extreme illness and healed (still does) and went through death HIMSELF, one more horrible than our human minds could even fathom. SO...(here we go again with the "so") :0) I choose to believe, not only because of my faith in Him, but because of my very personal relationship with Him, that He is still in control. Even tonight, as I try to figure out why some of my precious friends and family are suffering from mental illnesses, have just suffered loss and are hurting so badly, I realize, just as I type, that I don't have to "understand" WHY...because I know WHO is holding them. That's all the answer I need right now. I pray that HE will reveal Himself to them, and each of you, in a way only He can right now. As I am still going through a life-long illness of my own, and struggle daily with numerous things, I am more concerned for those I see hurting around me. I can't imagine (although as strange as it sounds I wish I could imagine) what it feels like for a parent to see their child suffer, but I DO know what it feels like to bear the burdens of others. This is something God has given me as a gift and sometimes what feels like a curse..only because it hurts so much. Please don't get me wrong...I wouldn't trade it for the world b/c it enables me to pray in a different way for others, and I only hurt so deeply because I LOVE so deeply. As I may have said in a previous blog, forgive me if I repeat myself...my husband has told me many times during the loss of people (relatives and friends, babies) and our precious animals, that my grieving seems and is so DEEP because when I love, I love with EVERYTHING in me....there is no middle ground for me. So, I have to take the hurt if I want to be all God has truly created me to be. Once again, as I ramble, my point is that He feels our pain as we feel it too. I know how much I hurt for others, but I can't even imagine how much it pains our Creator (our Father) as He sees us cry, grieve, mourn and wail many times. The bible says he "bottles up every tear." (Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book) How amazing is that? We don't have a Heavenly Father who doesn't FEEL our pains with us. We have a loving God who sees every tear as real. As we cry in pain and suffering, he is right beside His children. THAT IS A COMFORT beyond compare for me!!! I'm not sure what all of this blogging means to you as you read but my prayer is that no matter what you are dealing with right now, that if you are a child of God, a believer in Christ, that YOU have HOPE!! If you are reading and don't believe all of this, my prayer for you is that you will one day soon, see that He is the only way. Life CAN be lived without Him....but since we were created to love Him and know Him, there will always be a void...deep down, that only He can fill. As I lift up so many tonight, I am thankful I KNOW He hears my prayers!!! Thank you Lord for being faithful!!!!

Of course, I am never "hot" but you know what I meant....have never been "hot" even during my skinny days, but granted..much more so than now. Can't do anything about the weight until I am better anyway...beside the point...LOL...I am still in bed today and will probably just stay here because I feel bad today. The past two days have been tough, but yesterday went well. First, thank you for all of the prayers.!!!! So many of you emailed, etc yesterday and I know your prayers and God's faithfulness carried me through yesterday morning. I enjoy singing more than I can even express and don't get to do it often. I am proud of the band, and the students who are so talented!! I am simply a "back-up singer" but my heart is FULL of the desire to lead in worship and that's all I want to do..to be used somehow to help bring others into worship!! Our grads did great, I was a mess...I mean a sweaty mess after being there early (really early for me and after having NO sleep, but I wanted soooo badly to be there), helping line up and organize seniors, running back and forth with that and singing the entire service...I DID however enjoy sitting and listening to my sweet Jeff preach an amazing sermon and charge to the graduates. I am glad and more than overwhelmed that I was able to go, on my own, no wheelchair, was extremely mobile like "normal" people. It was, in my eyes because only I truly KNOW what I've been through and how bad I have felt......a MIRACLE!! So, thanks for the prayers, and thank you God, for the srtength. I am sorry for not being able to talk to anyone really yesterday and having to "rush around" to get it all done, so I hope people will forgive me. Plus, I was dealing with something that had just happened personally so I am really sorry. It's kinda not the way I expected my second Sunday morning church outing to be after MONTHS, but I know I did what was neccesary. Just wish I wouldn't have appeared "rude" and if I did...please forgive me, those of you who were there. In my body and mind, since my mind doesn't work well for good reason and my body has to keep going or I'll FALL OUT........I had to just stay focused....now, I am IN THE BED for a few days. Thats okay. It's not really just yesterday that put me here...dealing with some other stuff and just know I NEED to rest....we must ALL listen to our own bodies. Sick or not!! Have a blessed and beautiful day today!!!!

I absolutely hate when I just LAY in the bed, eyes closed, not even really thinking (HAHA...no comments from the peanut gallery.....peanut gallery? have I ever even used that term? lol I AM sleep deprived) and know I need to be up in a couple of hours anyway, so the dilemma becomes "I know my body and 2-3 hours is NOT enough, therefore, I WON'T be able to get up" or "Maybe this ONE time will be the time when it will be enough and I NEED it so i won't just fall out later...in church at that!!" Well, you can see for yourself, my decision. I didn't sleep even ONE minute. I took my meds, sleep aids, etc, but all I can figure as to why I couldn't sleep (regular part of this horrible illness aside) is that after a week of terrible sleep and finally having my sleep aid back Friday night, I slept until 12 pm yesterday....and that was too much. I mean, having this illness, well, many of them...lol....I know that sleep (GOOD sleep) and rest is crucial so when I CAN sleep, I DO!! That's what I've been told to do, it's what I've seen work and so I'm trying to learn not to feel guilty about it. I truly believe, however, that my body is healing itself and I am going to have to learn a new way of doing things.(That's a PRAISE people...put your hands in the air...LOL) Such as, getting up a little earlier even if I feel like staying in the bed, napping if I can't keep my eyes open during the day and not overdoing it no matter HOW "good" I feel at any given moment. I am FAR from being well and the tendency we (chronically ill people) have to do is the same thing "normal" people do when they start "feeling" like they are getting over the flu, a virus, infection,etc. and they go out, do too much and pay for it for a couple more days. For me, it's not a couple of days, rather a couple of weeks of setbacks. So, I am going to listen to my body and just try a couple of things. For today, this will be only the second time I have been to a Sunday morning service since Christmas. My first was Easter and I didn't do so well. I am feeling a little better overall the past few days, than I was then, so maybe today will be better (disregarding the lack of sleep.) I am just praying that's the case because it is Graduate Sunday and I will be lining up and organizing the Seniors, then singing with our Youth Praise Band as they lead worship. We are playing about 6 songs, recognizing grads, Jeff is preaching and a song at the end. SO, I PRAY I MAKE IT!! This is what I WANT to do and am excited about being there. I actually have missed the past few years of Graduate services due to this or the bi-polar or something as "simple" as the flu or stomach virus that lasted me weeks. I have only been to church 3 Wednesday nights in 6 months (WOW.....going on 6 now, unbelievable) and 2 Sunday nights, and those have been just in the past month and a half. THANK GOD for my dear friend and co-leader for our 10th and 11th grade girls small group on Sunday nights. She has been amazing with the girls and the girls.....Oh my goodness, I can't tell you what an inspiration they are to me! Of course, I'm sure I have, many times. :) I have missed them deeeeeeeeply but was with them for the last meeting 2 weeks ago. We start back in mid-June and I am praying I will have reached a level of energy, stamina and pain relief by then, that I can be there regularly. This, as I have stated many many many times, is where my heart is. God always gives me what I need when I am able to be there and blesses my heart. I KNOW He will do this again today. We sang last night in a wedding and after Jeff sang "You Raise Me Up" which needless to say, was GORGEOUS...we sang Celine Dion's "The Prayer." For those of you who sing, you know how much breath support is required for "simple" songs and this one required a LOT....no breaks for me. I was scared before we left, because a HUGE part of my health issue right now is the breathing which comes from the thickness of my blood, keeping oxygen from being released into any of my cells, slowing down my breathing and keeping me from having the energy to even stand most of the time. BUT, God got me through that and I believe with all of my heart, He will do the same this morning. Even though I only sing back-up with the band, I POUR my heart and soul into it and enjoy praising God with everything in me....so, it physically wears me out!!! This is where my SUSTAINER comes in and YOUR prayers. Not many of you will see this before 9:30 but if you do....please just lift us all up!! Lift up the service, those who may not "enjoy" this type of music (pray that as they see the powerful words on the screen, that God will touch their heart in unbelievable ways), pray for Jeff as he decided to preach the service before he knew our band was also going to play. His plate is FULL today, but who better to speak at the grad service than my sweet husband and the amazing youth pastor who has made a HUGE impact on these precious young lives? I can't think of anyone better to preach or sing today!! :0) Can you tell I love him? I hope so!! Have a beautiful, blessed Sunday. no matter where you are this morning for worship..at home, at church, on vacation....ALLOW it to be worship and let God love on you. I pray He will show you more of Himself no matter where you are!!! He's amazing that way!!!!! Until next time......KEEP PRAISING HIM!!!! He is more than worthy!!!

So, I have been waiting for my natural sleep aid to come via UPS for FOREVER it seems like, Maybe it only seems that way because I haven't slept well for a week. Whether it had been less than an hour a night (and interrupted at that) or even 13 hours a night, I wake up feeling even more miserable than when I actually laid my head down on the pillow to try to sleep. I still take my prescription medication but the new stuff the doctor in Atlanta gave me, had been a miracle. I usually sleep but dream all night, mostly nightmares, and always awake feeling horribly unrested. My sleep aid is scheduled to come today and it better!! I need some rest and poor Jeff needs to me to get some rest. We are singing in a wedding tomorrow and our youth praise band is leading worship Sunday morning for our graduate servive, which Jeff is also preaching. I am excited because I LOVE to sing for the Lord and lead worship....there are three things in this world that make my heart smile and literally feel "FULL." The first is singing for my Savior and seeing people moved by His Spirit through music, the second is little children (well, not even "little" because Mackenzie, my friends 12 yr. old has my heart and so do our "kids" at church..they're not little ones anymore) and the third...you can all guess...my babies. Last night in our queen-sized bed, Jeff was faling asleep on his side (alone) while I had sweet Peppy wrapped in my right arm, scratching his belly... Chaco between Jeff and I am wrapped in my left arm, and Toonces, the cat, on my chest. I was squooshed but OVERWHELMED with joy and contentment!! If I could have just been singing and had my nephew, Chris, maybe Kenzie and a few of our "kids" at church to talk too and make me laugh, lif would have been PERFECT for a little while. LOL...so, anyway, gotta blog on my other site tomorrow about what all I've learned lately so hopefully others struggling with fibro and other illnesses can get help and some hope too. I have had a HIGE response to both this blog and the other and an overwhelmed that some of you are being encouraged through the life of a sick, sometimes pitiful lady!!!! But, that was my prayer and we know how God works....so, I shouldn't be surprised!! Until next time, love on your kids, animals, spouses and sing even if you can't carry a tune...just do it in the car or at home alone okay???? LOL......"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord" and don't be ashamed!!!! <3

The new blog for those suffering from chronic, debilitating and misunderstood illnesses is here..please pass it on and pray it will be used to encourage others and draw them closer to healing, even healing of the mind.....and to draw or intoduce them to our Mighty Savior!! Ready for people to experience Hope and Healing so here it is......
www.hopeandhealing-kimmie.blogspot.com

I think I may start a new blog for people who suffer from misunderstood illnesses. I have recently found out so much that I never knew about Fibro and CFS all of these years. I have researched so very much and been to at least 25 doctors over the years and cannot believe I didn't know what I now know. I have dealt with this for what really 20 years.....17 diagnosed. So, in an attempt to help ANYONE out there, but to keep from boring those of you who read this blog with too many medical details, I am going to set up an additional site and post all of the findings the doctor discovered at the Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center in Atlanta. THERE is HOPE, there is HELP and if those who are struggling can't make it to the centers across the world, there are some things I may can share to help. So, I will work on it soon. If you know anyone who suffers from this very real disease, and I'm sure statistically you all do, please pass it along. I will keep you informed through this blog site and then you can pass the info along. I am convinced I can't keep what I have learned to myself....I have been allowed to endure all I have in my life for a reason. I still believe that!! So, I am hoping maybe someone else can be helped and hopefully encouraged also. Thanks again for reading.....sign up to follow me if you don't mind so I can keep up with who's reading (many of you tell me through emails you are following and have even tried to post but couldn't for some reason) I also want to be lifting you up daily too!!! <3

The day didn't start well so I went back to bed, gladly and woke up hours later still in a very bad mood. I know my blooodwork proved what I knew...that I can't handle any amount of stress, but the past couple of days I have been a basket-case. How do you completely destress your life? MY life shouldn't be that hard to destress considering I don't have a daily job, sleep a lot right now...but the daily stress of trying to turn over Avon customers to someone else, bills that need to be paid, a house that needs cleaning, clothes that need to be washed, dogs that need to go out, and a phone that won't stop ringing or emails or messages of someone wanting me for something (even something simple) is KILLING me. I am not able to take care of myself most of the time, let alone anyone else. I am able mostly to deal with the dogs, who are used to the pattern of resting with me all day, and Jeff does all he can, considering he has a FULL time (beyond that) job that keeps him so very busy. Life is just hard at times and my body is unable to deal. So, the home phone is unplugged, my cell is off, i am not going to be on the computer....and I need to rest, rest, rest!!! For those of you who may be thinking, "WOW, she couldn't handle MY life" .... maybe not, but that doesn't make me less of a person. I have during many times in my life, worked three jobs at a time, including Children's Minister, helping run an antique store and interior decoarting on the side. I have always been given what I needed for the times in my life I was called to do certain things, BUT right now....God is caling me to GET WELL....take doctors orders, recuperate from 20 years of an illness that WAS killing me. And, so I refuse to feel guilty (convincing myself it's okay) for taking care of Kim for once. I love my family and friends but know if I am not well and don't take care of myself, I won't be here to love anyone. Some people around me, once again, who don't really seem to be concerned for me b/c I guess MY illness has never seemed that severe to them (shows how much they've really been around or involved) may think all of this is exaggerated but I know I don't have to convince most of you reading this, that this is real. Whether or not you "get it" is irrelevant to me...just the fact that you have asked how I am, what the dr has said, how you can help and constantly remind me that you are praying for me and thinking of me, means more than you'll ever know. :) Please just pray for peace, quiet and calm right now.....

Okay, I guess you figured I already blogged once today but I feel very led to ask for prayers for a precious friend of mine who is suffering from a very debilitating illness. One I am all too familiar with but that God released me from after 15 really hard years. I would never betray my friends confidence but feel that the more prayers that go up for "Bob" the better. (Great, creative code name I know) :) I believe and KNOW God isn't finished with my amazing friend although it feels like that to them right now. I am begging (although I know with all who read this, i won't need to beg) that you will take a moment to get on your knees, or even during your busy day, sitting in the car, walking to a meeting, walking to class, whatever and wherever it may be.....please take a moment to sincerely lift a servant of the Lord up to His throne. Ask for wisdom from doctors, which we haven't received for months, direction and willingness to do whatever is necessary to get better. I KNOW God is in the healing business first hand, but also knowing He doesn't always choose to do it the way He did with me, I believe he CAN use and sanctify the RIGHT medication, bring peace and restore happiness to His child!! This is a crucial time, so on our friends behalf, I employ you to LIFT THEM UP today in hopes they will feel God's presence in a way like never before and receive some hope. Thanks all!!!!!!! Remember, we serve a MIGHTY and AWESOME God who hears our prayers and answers according to HIS will...but He still asks us to obediently pray and intercede on the behalf of others, especially when they are unable to pray for themselves.

And I don't mean my car!! Although that I wouldn't mind THAT so much right now, unless of course I had "putt, putt, putted" into the gas station, and as I was slooooooooowly rolling in, 3 men had to help me make it to the pump. Now that would be, well WAS embarrassing. LOL Worse, more embarrassing things have happened.....Since I digressed after the first sentence of this post, let me get back on track. :) I am still waiting on my natural sleep aid to come in the mail, and with it being a holiday and weekend the past 3 days, I may not have it until the end of the week. I meant to get it at the Center in Atlanta Thursday and what do ya know? However, we had JUST established through my bloodwork (PROOF) that there's a reason I can watch a movie one weekend in the theater and then when it comes out on DVD, PROMISE I have NOT seen it, all the way til the end. And, nope, still don't remember. I may even comment "That was an AWESOME movie." Jeff and my friends (who've always thought I was dingy) just laugh at me. This CAN come in handy if it's a really good movie! LOL..Have to laugh about it and look on the bright side. Anyway, brain function, uh, not so much right now, so is it crazy that I forgot my pills? NOT FOR ME!!I didn't sleep hardly at all Thursday night after returning home from Atlanta, slept 10 hrs Friday and Saturday nights (and still felt like I hadn't slept) and 13 whopping hours Sunday night, only to have a terrible day yesterday. SO, since I was up all but about an hour last night, I am going to try to sleep all day. So, somebody call the doggies and threaten them if they wake me up!! (no, don't call.....it'll wake me up, sorry) Not being pessimistic, just realistic that today will not be a pain-free, restful, restoring day because WE are SUPPOSED to sleep at night, therefore, so do doggies, and other people that like to ring the doorbell and call. So, hey my brain is working for once....the ringers are OFF and I'm gonna tape a sign over the doorbell that says....."I will CUT you!" and sign it "Bon Qui Qui" I mean, who would mess with her?? LOL j/k....I'll be nice!! Anyway, prayers going up today would be much appreciated. GOOD sleep is crucial in the recovery process. Again, I must say, thank you to all of you who have been asking how you can help and even wanted details of what the doctor said. Unfortunately, as I've only told a few people, some don't even care to listen......I don't take it personally anymore b/c those people have never really known much about my health issues or cared enough to hear it all. I agree, it's a lot to take in, but when we truly want to know how to pray for someone, a few minutes of undivided attention and actually looking at someone as they speak to you, shouldn't be too difficult. I will just be more selective in who I choose to divuldge info too. (Even if they're people I think should be concerned) WOW......there went another "rant." Can't say the title of my blog didn't clue you in that it could possibly happen. Okay, blogger land.....night night for me I hope.....need to rest up in hopes to go to church tomorrow night and to sing in a wedding Saturday. May seem far away to a normal person, but not to my abnormal and stubborn body!!! Hope all reading have a BLESSED and amazing day!!!!!!

I don't feel well already today. Woke up around 10:30 for good and am in tremendous pain again. Stiff, hurting, weak, fatigued and overall.....pretty NASTY!!! But, we knew this was a possibility. Again, after seeing the doctor yesterday and the amazing amounts of blood test results, we realized it has been more than half of my life that I have been building up toxins in my cells and body and it is going to be a loooong haul to get better. So, for now, I am having to concentrate ONLY on my health, my well-being and realizing that I can't worry about letting people down or not being what others expect me to be. I also must let go of the "anger" and "frustration" I feel for the many many many doctors who have "blown me off" or said "you JUST need to lose weight" or "you're just depressed." It is beyond disheartening but IS in the past. time to look forward!!! We believe this decision to go to Atlanta, saved my life literally. I can't say enough how much I look forward to being a "normal" person. I don't KNOW what that feels like. I have pushed through pain and "miserableness" for YEARS. When people have seen me at MY best, and I've seemed okay....that WAS my "good" but again, I haven't had even ONE really good ALLLLLL day for at least 17 years, and assumed that WAS "good." No doctor would validate what I had so I must be "okay" right? WRONG! :) Watch out world when I do feel better!!! I realize as I look back on my life, that the things I HAVE been able to accomplish (because of God alone) have been a miracle!! God always gave me what I needed and has given me a tremendous support system with my sweet husband, family and friends! I have many times, felt like I was "crazy" or "needed to suck it up" or maybe I was just a "wimp." Yet, somehow, I also always knew I was sick, even felt like I was dying slowly (I was!!) and KNEW what I felt was real. Just figured I had to push through the pain, fatigue, fears, frustration and hurt. So, I look forward to the same moment pain and fatigue wise, as the day the bi-polar was GONE and I didn't remember how life felt without being "clouded over" by the depression. One day , I will actually wake up and say "I feel different" and that "different" will be "healthy." :) I KNOW all of the prayers that have been going up for me, have led me to where I am right now. So many people who have never even met me, haven't seen me for YEARS or have just heard what I'm going through, have been faithfully praying. I BELIEVE in that power!!!! Thanks again for following and for all of the encouraging words on my twitter, facebook, through texts and emails. Love you guys!!!!

As I sit here with an IV in my arm waiting for another infusion at the Fibro Center in Atlanta, I am absolutely in awe! The doctor went over an hour and a half of about 40 blood tests with us. I now have medical proof for the reason behind the inability to handle stress, the fatique, inability to lose weight, complete ditziness (LOL) well....brain dysfunction, cognitive problems, breathing trouble, extreme pain, and even my miscarriages!! I am beyond encouraged because the dr is working to improve alllll of it!! Why do other doctors not believe people like me? I actually had my most recent/current general practicioner in Columbia send me a certified letter this week stating she was releasing me from their care and I needed to seek other medical care based on our "relationship." (not sure it's legal to turn someone away bc you just don't like them) but anyway, because of our last encounters there we were already seeking another local doctor. Our last visit, they saw me as hysterical, depressed and hard to deal with when in reality I was in tremendous pain, thus, the reason for the tears of pain and utter frustration. They also thought I didn 't have Fibro, but was just depressed and maybe even still bi-polar and shouldn't have come off the meds. Of course that upset me. Seriously, I am probably one of the easiest people to get along with but when I became proactive in my own health (which we have to be) and stated I disapproved of the way I was being treated, they release ("dismiss") me. For all of you who read this and are also dealing with the Fibro/ CFS/yeast issues/chronic pain/mental illnesses, KNOW there ARE people who validate and believe you! I know it may not seem like it after the horrible experiences we've all had with ignorant,uneducated and unprofessional doctors but.... We have an Almighty Physician and Savior who knows our every frustration and loves us dearly!! I have prayed for the past 5 years since my last miscarriage that if I was going to lose another baby that He would please not allow me to conceive. This may sound weird but after what we heard today I KNOW another baby wouldn't have survived if we'd have gotten pregnant again. There have been many years and months of disappointments but God was hearing my prayers. Does this mean in 6-9 months when i'm significantly better and able to try again that God will give us a baby? I have NO idea but for now, He just showed me He was protecting me, not being cruel!! So, as Jeff has been saying and the dr confirmed today, I need to stop worrying about the weight, bc it wouldn't come off now no matter what, stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just concentrate on getting better!!!!! This may take another 6-9 months or more, but these people know what they're doing. I am only getting a half dose of the infusion since the others were too much too fast for me. So, she said I may still go through some more tough detox but i've been sooo sick for sooo long, it can't happen overnight!! Wish it would, but for now.....it's baby steps!!! I have been more sick than I ever even knew for almost 20 years. Since my highschool years with mono and i dont know what feeling "good" feels like. My "good" has been really not so good for more tham half of my life, but its all i knew. So, we are looking forward to the time whem i feel what healthy people feel on a normal basis. We found some things that could have easily caused a stroke or heart attack for me before the age of 40, so, once again, thank you Lord for leading us here! For all of my sick friends out there too! God is holding out hope to us! Believe it!! Claim it!!! Receive it!!! And.....keep fighting to survive so we can have OUR moment of LIVING the life He has for us. For now, whether it be laying in bed all day, being confined to home, having loved ones care for us or having tears stream down our cheeks....we still serve a mighty God who isn't finished with us! The days we feel we have no purpose are the days our purpose is to keep fighting!!! This applies to mo re than sick people. It is relevant to all who face adversity! We are becoming more reliant on a very reliable God, and becoming more like Him! Will we allow God to use us, love on us, wrap His arms around us and grow us? I hope so!!! I'm almost finished with this infusion and will have to wait to post this on my blog until we get home late tonight. Hoping the detox is over but if it happens again, just be patient as my "writing" may turn to "ranting." Thankfully, one day my mourning will turn to dancing!!! :)

I got up again at 9:30, early for me, to feed the bunnies, who are eating sooo much more and growing!! It takes about an hour and 15 minutes to feed them now, so I've stretched it out to every 3 hours.....I feed all five, three times. Like.....I feed purple for a few minutes, then red, orange, white and green....then start over and do it three times so they all get fed quickly, aren't starving and each get fed towards the last part too. I know, I'm silly but they are happy!!! Thanks to my sweet friend Beth, who gave me the chance to help them!! :) And, no...I do NOT have to get up during the night. Of course those of you dealing with fibro/CFS...etc, know that sleep is CRUCIAL!! So, they get water and pellets and broccoli at night. :) I went to eat with my husband and the church staff (which meant bathing and dressing MYSELF, walking and driving...HUGE....HUGE for me) and then to Wal-Mart and back home. I sat in the back yard which my husband and a friend just finished fencing in, with Chaco (our 10 month old golden retriever) and Peppy (our 10 year old shih-tzu) and five bunnies in a big tote on my lap...feeding them and twittering with the other hand. LOL.....AM I TIRED NOW?????? You better believe it but I am amazed at the two days I have had and what I have accomplished. Everyone is telling me to slow down..rest..and I GET that, I really do. And I'm gonna!! I promise...just seems the past two days have been non-stop. And I DO praise God after 5 loooooong months of feeling like I've been dying, for some GREAT moments of laughter and fun. So, tonight, Jeff is going to grill some pork chops on our new grill (After I go marinate them...ugh...it isn't ending is it?) AND I AM GONNA GO TO BED EARLY!!!!! Jeff may have to feed tonight..not much chance of that!! He's a gooooood man but I'm not sure he'll take quite the time and effort i will. Thanks for following y'all (If there's anyone reading...lol) If not, YOU GO GIRL!! That was to myself from myself!!!! My doctor appt in Atlanta is Thursday and I am more than likely going to have to go through many more treatments but we'll see. We're going to tell her EVERYTHING about my detoxing or non-detoxing experience and trust her judgement b/c we KNOW God has sent us there and this is ALLLLL she does for a living. Dealing with fibro and fatigue patients has to be exhausting. i just deal with myself and I'm worn out!! LOL

You know I went from being wheeled around in a wheelchair all day yesterday b/c I couldn't walk more than a couple of steps to getting up this morning at 9:30, feeding bunnies, taking care of doggies, getting ready ON MY OWN, feeding bunnies,going to in-laws for lunch, feeding bunnies, going to church with my girls small group for the FIRST time back since Christmas, feeding bunnies, coming home, eating supper, feeding bunnies and going to bed. Granted, with tears streaming down my face because of the pain level that I pushed through all day (so I KNEW it was inevitably going to be HORRIBLE tonight) I am so blessed to have been out today and surrounded by amazing students and people who love me and love GOD!!! All in all, I am gonna praise Him through the storm. I may need some reminding sometimes that He is still in control but tonight, even through the tears of pain, I rejoice. One of my small group girls said tonight when I said I finally feel I have a purpose feeding these helpless little bunnies, "Kimmie, you've always had a purpose and I can't even think of my life without you in it...it makes me so sad and makes me cry" (as we both cried) I LOVE MY GIRLS and am soooooo very proud of what God is doing in their lives. I know I know....their not really MY girls, but they sure do feel like it and I love 'em like my own!! Bunnies too! Told someone tonight, and I think they thought I was crazy...lol....like I've never gotten that before...HAHAHAHAHA......that I don't know why animals make me feel the way they do....but I don't have much distinction between people and animals. Yes, I realize people are more important but for whatever reason God gave me a HUUUUUGE heart for little animals. So, for now, I am content. HURTING, frustrated, exhausted...but my heart is full!!!! :) For all of you readers dealing with illnesses and frustrations of the life going on around you.....I am lifting you up and believing you and I will both soon JOIN that life, add more joy and happiness to it and APPRECIATE it like no one else can!! Gonna happen people...gonna happen. Hold on to that hope we are promised as Children of a LOVING God!!!!! He's holding you now!!!! Think I'm gonna write a book for those with chronic illnesses entitled, "It's okay to be down, as long as you can still look up." When you're in that pit.....look up and you WILL see some light. Even if it's dark, you can see a star, or a plane......that's light...LOL) Don't ever forget that!!

My friend Beth found 5 baby bunnies last week who had no mommy taking care of them. At first she thought they were little rats but soon realized they were...BUNNIES!! Wild ones of course but nonetheless, in need of help. Whether the mom went our to find food and never made it back, or simply abandoned them, we'll never know. She brought them over to the house tonight when she and her husband Michael came over, because right now they require being bottle fed every 2 hours. OH MY LORD!!!! I have never seen anything so precious in my life. Guess who has them now??? They each have different colored ears she painted to keep up with who was fed and who was who. She didn't name them in hopes of not being so attached. This is Jeff's fear that I will want to keep them all. But, I KNOW the best life for them is going to be for them to be released in a safe place. Beth left it open for us to have "joint custody" and for me to try it for a day and see if I'm up to it. She kept saying " i only brought them b/c I had too...not for you to take them" LOL She is a very close friend of mine but I guess never knew how very serious i was when i said I KNEW God was gonna put me in charge of animal Heaven when I die. :) SO, for now, until they must be released into a VERY safe and fun place, they must be nursed and cared for. It's amazing how I have gone from feeling I had no purpose, at least on a daily basis, to feeling there are 5 precious little lives depending on ME! Thank you Lord for the little "I love you, Kim" that you just sent in the form of"10 little ears, 20 tiny paws, 5 adorable twitchy noses and 10 pink lips!" I will post pics soon!!!! :)